My choice, My right, Get over it

Ok, allow me to have a moment real quick. I remember a conversation my husband and I had a little over three years ago. I was laying in the bathtub for almost an hour when Josh came in to check on me. I was kind of in a daze. He walked in and asked if I was ok and without thinking I looked up at him and said, "I want to have a baby" It wasn't even what I was thinking about but it just came out. Shocked me almost as much as him. So we talked a lot about it and decided that we wouldn't try so much as we wouldn't not try. I think this was around September we had this conversation. The Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Liam. I remember feeling overwhelmed and so happy. I thought it would take much longer given that we had unprotected sex TWO TIMES. Good gracious. So we went through the journey of being pregnant. I've told the story enough times I don't have to again. Needless to say by the end of it I made up my mind, as well as Josh did, that we weren't going to have anymore kids. I talked to my Dr about it. She didn't want to tie my tubes in case I wasn't sure if I wanted to have more or not. I told her I was sure but they wouldn't take my word for it. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Now it kind of honks me off.

I have said many many many times that I have no desire to have another kids. I use to give reasons why: money, time, just don't have the desire. But here is what I realized. For all the people that ask me and wonder why Josh and I don't want to have more kids, here is what is going to become my stock answer: "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS" Yes sorry, a little harsh but here is what my thing is, no matter what you think or what you feel ... it doesn't matter. It's MY CHOICE to have no more children. How does it affect your life if I don't have more kids?

Life is about choices. I have made mine. I did chose to have Liam and I chose to have no more. That doesn't make me a bad person or selfish. That means that I am happy and content with my son and don't desire anymore. So from now on whenever anyone feels the need to judge me, question me or simply ask me the question be ready for my answer ... "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!"

Reality Check

Ouch, yikes, jeez, scoff. Those are the sounds of a big reality check. What do you do when you realize that you have things you need to change. My life has been one big emotional roller coaster. I always remember thinking, "When I hit ___ age things will start to level out" But ___ age hasn't done shit yet. Identity crisis after identity crisis. It's a game that's constantly played and seldom won.

I can remember like it was yesterday a dance recital I did in 1994. Something happened. I was getting dressed for the opening number and I felt choked. I had one of the stage moms adjust my costume so it wasn't constricting my neck. But it didn't help. And it was very visible. When the curtain came up and music began to play I almost froze. Yes I danced but it was very restricted and boring. You can see it on the tape. The second number was the same. By the end of the recital it was weaning and I was fine. But inevitably every performance after that was the same thing. Then it trickled into my every day life. Going to the movies, parties, even small social gatherings. Plagued me constantly. Dr visit after Dr visit even a trips to the therapist. Finally when I was about 18 they started to level out. I don't know if it was hormones or I was finally coming to grips with it. I still had my flair ups but nothing like it was. I realized that part of the cause of my anxiety attacks were bottling things up. I talked to no one about it but my parents. Then I would try to please everyone. Tell them what they want to hear, try to make everyone else happy but myself.

After a few more years I began to realize I couldn't do that to myself. I started talking about my feelings and emotions and I felt instantly better. It was amazing the relief I got. And being open and honest was so much easier because everyone knew where they stood with me.

Now the problem becomes that I'm 28 married with a kid, house and a career. And I feel the need to go and run and do because I never could. I bottled myself up for so long that I couldn't go out and now that I can I want to. How do you balance that? I'm here to tell you, you can't. No matter how bad I want to fight it those days are gone.

I chose to get married which I don't regret and I chose to have a baby which I don't regret. I don't want to "be free" or anything like that. I still want the responsibilities that I have. But how do I shake this feeling of settling my mind down?

I know that I can be harsh or brash. I know that because of my honesty and being up front that I can be a bit much. So where is the balance. How do I find a way to make myself happy and others. I use to have the mentality of "screw 'em, if you can't accept me the way I am then to hell with ya" Well that's not very sensible is it? But now that I know what it is to be on each side, how do I find the middle ground? I know it's going to take a while to change this, and I feel bad for the transition it will take. But it needs to be done. What to do, what to do. Sigh

Tis the season to be ?

What a Christmas this was! It had it's up's and down's. Last Sunday Josh came home from a movie sicker than a dog. Turns out he had the flu and bronchitis that a week later still has him feeling down. Though not like he was. I've never really seen him that sick. Then Liam decided to get a little cold. Nothing major but enough that he didn't act like his normal chipper self. But nonetheless he had a fantastic Christmas. His reactions to the presents just killed me. Every time we set a present in front of him he would get all jittery and say "What is it!!!!???" Too cute. It was fun.

We got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family so that's always wonderful. Then we pretty much got to relax the rest of the day. Dad and Josh went to a movie and mom and I did spa stuff and watched P.S. I love you (Nice tear jerker for Christmas time eh) I then woke up with a domestic rage today and went crazy. I went grocery shopping and got everything stocked up. When I came home to put them away I took a look at my kitchen and thought "No this just wont do" I tore it up! I cleaned out every drawer, every nook every cranny. Scrubbed, swept, moped and dusted. Then I moved on to the dining room, bath room and living room, though the living room still looks like a tornado went through it since Liam has to bring out every toy he owns. You know I look at some other peoples houses who have kids and it's all organized and picked up and I think "Do your kids actually play with their toys? Or are you just OCD and pick them up the second they walk away?" I clean up toys at least three times a day and yet at the end of the night my living room floor looks like a toy box threw up. Ah well. Gotta pick your battles I guess.

Am I the only person out there who still gets touches of season depression? I absolutely hate it and I fight it so hard but damnit sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and cry. And I do. Of course I've always been prone to being a cry baby, but I hate that I get to feeling so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm weak and I DO NOT like feeling week. The stress from money to house work to a toddler to bickering to time to work to whatever. Usually I'm a rock and I can handle it and be Super Mom, Super Wife, Super Employee. And sometimes I pretty much drown myself in pity. Why? It's a feeling that overcomes me and I have no control.

Here's the other thing. Why do I finally find my motivation to lose weight and become healthier at this time of year? When there are so many awful things being served and my willpower faulters. I wish there was hypnosis or acupuncture or a pill you could take to make your brain shut off it's cravings. I look in the mirror after and bath and think, "Now was that extra piece of meatloaf worth it? Are you that lazy you couldn't have found time to work out today? No wonder you don't think any of your clothes fit right." The damage that pregnancy did on me cannot be undone without surgery I know that. I feel like my stomach looks like a deflated balloon. And yes I'm aware that my bikini days are over, but I would like to look at myself and not be repulsed. There should be a support group you can join like AA where you have a sponsor you can call before you eat and talk you down of the ledge.

So I'm not going down the path of making a New Years Resolution to lose weight. No no no. I'm ready for my life change.

I made myself too many things

I had a moment of clarity tonight. I'm quite sure that the things in my life that stress me out, are of my own doing. Maybe I haven't created the situations, but how I deal with them leads to how much stress it causes me in the long run. I kind of touched on this in my last blog I believe but it's really hit me lately that I can, in some way shape or form, control the stress I have. I think my biggest enemy these days is time. Everything I do factors around time. And I'm not even as busy as most people. But effective time management would add to other situations running smoothly.

I know everyone has those days where you feel like there just aren't enough hours to go around. When really what it comes down to is laziness. I mean I could get EVERYTHING done I wanted to if I didn't feel the need to take a break here and there or just be a procrastinator. I am the queen of putting things off and as a result of it I have become hopelessly forgetful. I'm sooooooooo sick of it. And ready to turn the page.

I think it's time I started being more effective about my time. Unfortunately this will come with a price. I'm constantly overexerting myself. And it's me. Whether people ask me to do things or not, I have the choice to accept or deny. And I usually accept. Not to say I'm not going to do anything for anyone, but I'm just going to start budgeting my time better as to reduce the self inflicted stress in my life.

Random thoughts bouncing through my head

I would like to apologize in advance if this happens to be long winded. I have my nights where I just have to get things out of my system. Do you ever just get a pile up of random thoughts? I guess I'm too self expressive for my own good.

Sickness: I've pretty much had enough of it this month. December has been the month of nonstop sickness in the Andreas household. I had an infection in my eye, then a sinus infection, Liam has had a cold and non stop diarrhea, now Josh is sick. Enough already!!!

Liam: I will get my gripe out first. Yes I know every kid in the entire world goes through it but the terrible twos can pretty much suck it. I mean when he is good he is fantastic but when he gets whiny and throws his fits I could pretty much crawl out of my skin. Especially when he does it in public. I feel like we get those looks like "Please control your bratty kid" Try as I might to give him structure and reasonable discipline he still gets out of control. Having said that, he is such a smart kid. He can dialog for crying out loud. He can be amazingly caring and loving. And funny ... oh my god this kid says some funny stuff. Despite his tantrums he really is an amazing kid.

Music: Indeed a random throw out, but I'm so moved by it. Especially lately. Sometimes I can be in this weird mood and I turn on my music and hit shuffle and a song will come up that is so appropriate to what I'm feeling. It's amazing how a beat and lyrics can change your mood. I know I go on and on about Michael Buble, but there is something about 'standards' that I've always loved and his voice is like silk. And when I hear an upbeat song that makes me want to dance it brings a huge smile to my face.

Food: You want to talk about the ultimate love/hate relationship. I'm trying to come to grips with my battle with food. I falter more than succeed but it's a battle I'm willing to fit. I'm getting better about my portions which is the battle I've always lost. When something tastes good you want to eat and eat and eat. I think I've found that eating slower helps; it gives your brain time to tell your stomach that it's full. It's a work in progress but I'm willing to work hard to lose this damn weight.

Self reflection: I either do this too much or not enough. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on who I am. But I struggle with turning aspects of myself off. I probably give too much to my clients. It's hard when you have a job that involves touching to not get invested. They share with me, I share with them. But it's bitten me in the ass several times. When clients leave it's a mix of emotions. Part of me says "I'm not their taste, I'm too expensive, it's a scheduling issue" and I move on and am fine with it. But another part of me says "Did I offend them? What if I'm not good enough? Did I make them uncomfortable? What could I have done to make them more happy?" And I bring that home and pretty much beat myself up over it. I think to a lot of clients they go home and don't think another thought about it and when they go to a different stylist it's just an easy switch to them. And maybe it is, but I guess I need more closure than most people do. I need to learn to turn that part of my brain off, but I think it's a hard balance. I know it should be business and not personal but when you're a hairstylist it is personal too.

Friends: There is a balance I can't win at. You make some happy, you piss some off. When I was in high school I wanted a ton of friends and never got them. I don't know why. Then when Josh and I started dating we were all about each other and didn't have time for a lot of friends. Now that life has calmed down I have a lot of friends but because of Liam and work and family and other friends it's like I can't make everybody happy. It's flattering that so many people want to spend time with you but then you add up all the things you do in a week and it makes you wonder when you schedule time to breath. But I am lucky to have so many amazing friends who are loving and supportive.

I think I've hit that point in my life where I can no longer make apologies for the person that I am. All things considered I'm pretty happy with who I am. I think I'm a good person, a hard worker, a good friend. I just need to work on balance. I think that will be my word for 2011. Balance.

Medusa's Christmas Dinner

Tonight was Medusa's Chistmas dinner at my house. It was a very nice evening :) When I got home from work I got the house all cleaned up while Joshy went to the grocery store. Everyone came over about 7 and we ate a fabulous dinner! Laken brought home made mac and cheese, Jimmy brought green bean casserole, Dee brought broccoli slaw, Neil brought mashed potatoes, Amy brought peach cobbler and Joshy made some amazing parmesean crusted chicked breasts. Soooo yummy :) Overall it was a wonderful evening!!

In other news, Liam has been sickly this week. Wednesday he was fine until the evening and he started getting diarrhea and has had it on and off ever since. He hasn't had a fever and he is eating and drinking, he has just had diarrhea for four days. It's so odd. I'm hoping it clears up soon, I'm sure he is irritated with it and it doesn't help with his exema at all. Poor dude.

Things are going very well though. I can't believe that Christmas is only a week away. I know everyone says this but time really is flying by. I feel like it was just summer. With the weather the way it's been I wouldn't mind if it was summer again. I just hate winter. It's not even the snow that bothers me. It's the wind and the ice. But that's the midwest for ya. Hell even Florida is cold right now!!!

I know every parent gets a kick out of their kids but I, obviously, just adore my son. Bathtimes are always fun because he is an expressive little guy and being around water brings out the goofy side in him. I heart bath time :)

I FOUND IT!!!

I FOUND IT I FOUND IT!!! A while ago I had written that for some reason I couldn't find my motivation. Well I have officially found it and I think I might have figured out a way to keep it. A couple days ago I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was kinda sickly and feeling down. Which is normal this time of year. Everything in life is going really well so I couldn't figure out why I was so down. And then it hit me. NOTHING should be bothering me that much. So why am I letting it?

I am a youtube junkie. I'm always on there looking up hair videos and dance videos. But along the way I stumble on other videos that pop up. I recently found some while looking up a hair video about the power of positive thinking. I have heard this several times from my mom and boss and other people. But looking at some of these stories of people really hit me. No matter how hard my life gets, when it comes right down to it I'm pretty damn lucky.

The other thing I have realized is I have to take responsibility and accountability for the things that are wrong in my life. What are the corp things people complain about? Money, time, kids, weight? All that is pretty manageable. Money: it will always be an issue no matter what, but if you're responsible and make sure that all your stuff is taken care of first, then whatever is leftover is yours. I'm lucky enough that my wonderful clients chose to tip me for the service I provide them so that gives me a little extra cushion. Time: there will never be enough of it, you just have to make the time you have mean something. Kids: yes they are stressful and expensive and tiresome, but they are also lovable, affectionate and give your life some extra meaning. Weight: that's my big one. I have accepted that I will always struggle with my weight. Not that I'm ok with being my size, but I need to accept that I'm just built for cushion. I look back at pictures when I was in high school (which is a hard comparison since it was almost 10 years ago and I had no bills or stress or a kid) but nonetheless. I looked the best I ever did and even at that I weighed 165 pounds. On a lot of women that would be massive, but for me that was skinny. I would just love to be at 180. And I will.

I have decided that changing the way I mentally approach my diet determines how my attitude reflects it. I always resent my diet and fight it. I think what I need to do is be realistic. I KNOW that I will never be able to force myself to eat the foods I don't like, and honestly I don't like vegetables. I know they are the best thing for you and all that, but I can't make myself eat something I just don't like. I'm working on expanding that, but until then I have to work on what I do like. As much as I fight it and fight it, I have to cut back on carbs. I love bread and pasta. LOOOOOOOOVE them, but they are my enemy. I will not cut them out but I can reduce. Then there is pop, and fried foods, and salt. I'm not a sweets person so that's no problem. I'm going to work on portions and reduce/eliminate the bad things. I have to do this. For my physical and mental health and to be a good role model to my son. My goal is to be 30 pounds lighter by summer. And I shall.

Holy crap!

I really hate it when I have a blah night. That usually means what I've blogged about before. I get over analytical. Not that I'm going to go on a rampage or anything. It just means I have extra time to dump my random thoughts around on the internet.

Work is so very busy which I'm so very grateful for. I love being busy at work. Sometimes I can't believe how much I love what I do. I mean I really do. And I get PAID to do it!! Woot!! But in the same respect it is very tiring. You give and give all day which is great but unfortunately that means sometimes when I get home from work I'm pretty worthless. I know tons of people work very hard jobs and come home and are as productive there as they are at work. And a lot of times I am to, but I will admit a lot of times I'm down right lazy. I know there are clean dishes in the dish washer ready to be put away and I know there are dirty ones ready to be cleaned. I know that there are five loads of laundry ready, a tub that needs scrubbed, toys that need picked up, counters need dusted. But then my mind says, "But I can do that tomorrow, relax" Then tomorrow becomes three days and three days become five. I wish I knew where some people draw their inspiration from.

I think I got "spoiled" but always living in apartments that were never bigger than 800 square foot. Now we are in a house that is well over 2000 and it's hard to keep up with!! Sometimes I can spend all day cleaning and when I sit down I realize I didn't even clean my bedroom, or Liams closet didn't get organized. I know housework is always a work in progress and never really gets done, but I'm not gonna lie; if I could afford to hire a house cleaner to come in once a week and do all the nitty gritty cleaning that I have NO DESIRE to do, you bet your sweet ass I would be all over it!!

I want a clean nice tidy house. I want it very badly, but I also want to play with Liam, and spend time with my husband, and see my family and friends. I want to watch some fun shows on tv, take a long bath, sleep occasionally. Such a balance.

Time to hurt

It's funny how someones mind works. My mind has always played games with me. Always. When I was about 12 years old I had my first panic attack. I literally thought I was dying. It took me years ... YEARS to get them under control, after different medications and therapy I finally came to grips with it. Now I'm 28 and I either avoid the situations that cause my panic attacks or I learn to deal with them.

With panic attacks comes paranoia. A side effect that I hate greatly. I'm very analytical. Always have been. Sometimes that really works in my favor, but when it comes to emotions it doesn't. Luckily my husband is impervious to my emotional flair ups. But others are not. Because my panic attacks had me so jacked up for a while, I bottled everything up, which didn't help since I would sit there and fester of every emotion I had. Then I learned that it's ok to talk about things. Then I got myself into trouble because I'm kind of abrasive and people don't always know how to take me. I've had to learn how to approach people/situations. A lesson I'm still learning.

My point that I'm getting at is I'm trying to get to a point where I don't let things affect me so much. And what I'm realizing and others should too is that a situation only becomes drama if you allow it to be. People (me included) need to learn to be more passive.

Now everyone knows that I'm a facebook junky. I'm on there all the time and put up pictures and Liam stories and all that. But what becomes an obstacle for me is reading what others put on. I have gone through several times and deleted people for various reasons the main one becomes the fact that most people are just down right negative. It drains you. Absolutely drains you. Now I'm not trying to be the pot that calls the kettle black. I have my bad days and I have vented them before. But via facebook I have realized that a lot of people are toxic. Or they make horrible life choices and vent them online which is funny to me.

There are some people you just can't eliminate from your life. They are friends no matter what but you wish that situations were different. Things change people change. I have changed. But one more way I want to change is to not let my feelings get hurt whenever I read something that has a negative effect on me and to accept the fact that relationships change. That someone that once meant the world to you and you to them, you don't anymore. Best friends become acquaintances. Clients become people you simply pass on the street.

Now on a positive note, sometimes a client can become your best friend. Sometimes a friend of a friend can become a client. Sometimes you have an effect on someone that changes their life. Those are the moments that make it all tolerable. So from now on I will try and take charge of how others actions/changes/emotions will affect me.

Thankful

I know it's incredibly typical to sit and name all the things I'm thankful for this year but I'm going to do it anyway. In no particular order:

The first thing that springs to mind obviously is my family. My husband who is wonderfully supportive and caring to my needs and is a hard working individual and a fantastic father.

My amazing son Liam. Every day, whether he is grumpy, happy, somber, whatever, I adore him and learn from him more and more every single day. I look at him and see myself, my husband and happy future ahead. I just love him.

My mom and dad who are always there for me, even if that means a kick in the butt. My brother and his wife are my comic relief and my nephew Aiden who still blows my mind about how smart and big he is.

My Nana. She is smart, funny and positive. I'm so thrilled that she has not only left an impact on my life, but that she has been around to see Liam. She is one of the most special people in my life.

My friends. How I got so lucky so have so many wonderful people around me I will never know. My best friend Jimmy. I am so glad that I get to work with him. He is so laid back and caring. He is definitely one of the more positive people I've ever met. The Allens. I'm sure you've all seen pictures of Claire. Amy Adam and Claire have become such an important part of our lives. We are in the same stage of life and we all get along so well. We love our time with them!! Nikki and her family. I've been friends with this girl since 8th grade. We may not talk every day but we will always remain close. She is going to have her second baby in a couple days and I couldn't be happier for her!! And all our other friends who touch our lives, we are so grateful to have you all!!

My career. I forget sometimes until I listen to my clients talk how lucky I am to have a career that I thoroughly enjoy. I not only get to do hair every day, I get to talk to people, listen to them, learn from them. It's such an amazing learning experience every day. And to know that I, in some way, touch their lives, makes me feel so good. I'm very lucky that a lot of clients I have, have become good friends.

Our surroundings. We have an amazing house, nice things, great cars, Joshy has his motorcycle that he loves. Whenever I feel like life is unfair all I have to do is look around and realize that I have a lot of beautiful things around me.

With the holidays of course comes stress and time crunches, schedule problems and hustle and bustle. But ultimately it comes down to time with people you love. No matter the stress and headaches, I'm very happy with my life and I know it's because of the people I surround myself with.

I need help

Where did it go? My motivation that is. I am so completely dissatisfied with the way i look. I've never really had a bad self image. I always have been a bigger person. I've always known that I will always be a bigger person. I just never thought I would let myself go this bad. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you have to take a good hard look at yourself and realize ... I have no freaking willpower. Yet no matter how much I look at myself and realize ... I'm a tubbo, I can't seem to stop myself. My problem is I love food. I'm Italian. I love everything starch.

I would love to be a trim size 12. That's not an unrealistic goal. I'm now a full 14. It's mainly my stomach and double chin that bother me. I always gain it in my face first. My stomach is really whats out of control. Before when I gained weight I would gain my weight evenly. Since I've had Liam it all goes to my stomach. I hate it. Hate hate hate it. I can't even stand to look at myself.

I had no idea how much gaining weight would affect my whole self image. My least favorite part of the day is getting dressed. Putting on a dress that once looked really good on me and now looks horrible. Wearing jeans and feeling confident and now I want to wear baggy shirts to cover myself up. I don't know what I need to do to kick my butt into gear.

You would think that just looking at myself would do it. That getting angry every morning while getting dressed would trigger it. Yet it doesn't. So I need your advice friends. What's a girl to do to stay motivated? I'm so not into the "trends" I'm not going to do Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, all that crap. I'm already on myfitnesspal.com that helps track your calories. That doesn't help me when it's time to sit down for a meal. That doesn't help me when I don't have time to exercise. I need inspiration.

Talk the talk, walk the walk ... but do you think the thought?

Here is the bad thing about having days off ... it allows me way too much time to think about things. Which in some ways is a good thing, in other ways a bad thing. I have felt like crap the past couple days due to some medical issues and that has left me with a lot of down time to think about life.

Josh's best friend Jon called us last night and told us some wonderful news. Him and his wife Amy are expecting their first child in June. It's fabulous news. Wonderful news! It was so wonderful in the midst of feeling crappy to hear some truly joyful news. It kind of put things in perspective. After we got off the phone with him and the boys went to bed I though a lot about where my life was at when I was in the same position as Jon and Amy.

I will never ever forget the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant. Josh and I had talked very very briefly about trying to have a baby, which we came to the decision that we wouldn't necessarily try, so much as we wouldn't be so careful. And that's all it took ... two tries and there we were. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Josh was at home and I was at my moms house. We had a small disagreement (my mom and I that is) she asked me what my problem was. Why I was so moody. I chalked it up to having PMS. So I left to head home. For some reason that I can't explain I stopped at Kroger and bought a pregnancy test. I would do this from time to time whenever I was a day or two late to assure myself that I wasn't pregnant and then inevitably I would start the next day. So I assumed this time would be no different. When I got home I hid the pregnancy test in my coat so Josh wouldn't see it. It ticked him off that I would do this time to time since pregnancy tests are pretty expensive.

So I went to the bathroom and took the test and sat there until I was sure I would look over and it would say "Not Pregnant" as it always had. 8 minutes went by and I looked over at the test that read "___ Pregnant" Stupid me thought "Oh .... well it hasn't sat long enough yet ... the "Not" didn't pop up. So I took the other test that was in the box. 45 seconds after I took the test ... there it was. PREGNANT. I have never felt that many nerve endings go off in my body at one time. I immediately started to cry, followed by panic, followed by nausea, followed by the only thing I knew close to euphoria. Then it hit me, Josh thinks I'm just in the bathroom. He has no idea what I'm doing. If you know me at all you know that when I cry it's written all over my face. I get red and splotchy and puffy. So there was no holding back. I walk into the front room where Josh looks up at me like I've lost my mind. When he asks me what's wrong I start sobbing and in the middle of my meltdown I manage to say "I'm pregnant" He sat there stunned for what seemed like an eternity and then got up to hug me. I still think it took him about a month for it to really sink in.

Then of course I called my mom. She answered saying "What ... you just left here. Did you forget something?" I told her I figured out what was causing my moodiness. She asked if I got my period .... not for 9 more months! All she could do was yell "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" LOL After that I called pretty much everyone in my phone to tell them the news.

I think back about that night and remember the feeling I had. That feeling of "Yes my life is definitely about to change" I had no idea how much. All I knew is how much, just in the time it took for the pregnancy test to change, I could fall in love so quickly. I think I need to remember that feeling whenever I get in a mood about Liam being moody. Kids are always going to go through phases. They are always going to push your buttons, be better for other people, wake you up in the middle of the night and be expensive. But they also allow you to feel the greatest love you've ever known. They have no idea that one, just one genuine smile, can drastically change your day for the better. That no matter how broke you are, frustrated, on edge and crazy you feel, remember that feeling you got when you found out they were coming. Remember that feeling you got when the Dr handed them to you for the first time. Remember the sense of joy you felt when they smiled, truly smiled for the first time.

Trickle Effect

Why do we always have to be strong? Don't you ever have those times when you want to throw yourself on the floor kicking and screaming asking why? I have a two year old that does that and it's annoying as hell but sometimes I feel like that's what I need. Sometimes something happens ... or nothing happens. And I get down. I have no idea why. I have always thought of myself as a very strong person. But even strong people waver.

I have all the things I ever asked for. A great husband, beautiful son, wonderful supportive family, the best friends you could ask for, a career I love and a great life. Nice house, nice car, nice things. I shouldn't complain. I actually get downright upset at people that constantly bitch about how much their life sucks. I'm not even saying that. My life doesn't suck. My life is great. But don't you just have those times where things pile up? Little things? I've hit that point. All the little things in my life that piss me off have all piled up to where I just want to cry.

Life is about control. I control my life. Or so I think I do. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to piss people off. Or let people down. I have a very hard time saying no to people. I need to learn to do that. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so run down. Because that's what I am. Run into the damn ground. And I can't blame anyone but myself. I overload myself with a million things to do. I have a very active two year old. I love him more than life itself but sometimes I just can't keep up with him. The whining and crying and fussing and arguing. I know that every parent goes through this. I know that this is normal. I know it in no way reflects my feelings as a mother, but damnit sometimes it's so hard. I wait to see him all day long and sometimes I get home and he is grumpy and tearing up the house. The house that I just spend three hours cleaning the night before. But how do you get mad about that. It's a house. It gets cluttered.

I get clients I can't please at work. Co-workers you can't please. Don't have enough time for your friends, don't have enough time for your husband. Don't have enough money for anything. You give you give you give you give you give and sometimes rarely when you take you get crap for it.

Motivation. This is the word that plagues my life. I can't keep the motivation to lose weight. I can't get motivated to keep my house picked up. I can't motivate myself to stay positive. So how do you do it? How do you stay motivated to do the right thing? How do you make yourself happy and not piss everyone else off? How do you make everyone else happy and not piss yourself off?

I hate this time. This time when I feel pitiful and sorry for myself. I hate it. That's why I have to vent it out. To get it out so I can let it go. Let it out so I don't continue to be like this. I want to be strong and confident. For myself. For my family. For my friends. I guess this too shall pass.

Weekend

This weekend was Battle of the Stylists. It was a lot of fun. Took up the whole day on Sunday. But I got to spend the day with three amazing ladies and side by side with my best friend Jimmy. It was a lot of prep work but well worth it. Though I didn't win I am proud of the work that I did. The thing is, I'm not that avaunt guard with my style. I'm a "pretty" stylist. I love soft beautiful hair. I'm not edgy and unfortunately in competitions you need to have that edge. I'm totally ok with not winning. It was a fun night amongst my peers. Plus Jimmy got third place :)

I'm very blessed to be able to work in a career that I love. And I get paid to do it!! My job allows me to meet people from all different walks of life. I have learned things, heard things, experienced things that I never would have if I wasn't in this career. I have made some amazing friends. I'm so thankful for everything I have experienced.

Precious Moment

I just had one of the most precious moments with Liam I think I have ever had. I picked him up from day care tonight and he was kind of warm and lethargic. I got him home and took his temperature and it was 101.6. Bummmmmer. So I gave him tylenol and his allergy medicine. Let him run around and play a little before we settled in. Now we have been fighting bed time something fierce for the past two or three weeks. So it was odd that he was not arguing at all when I said it was time to go to bed.

Our new night time regiment has become for me to lay in his bed and read him three books (two of which are always Grovers Guide to Good Manners and Goodnight Moon) then we talk about his day and what we are going to do tomorrow then I leave his room where he usually cries and fusses for a while before going to sleep. So tonight I went in and read his books, talked and decided since he didn't feel well I would lay in there with him for a few minutes.

He laid on his side and me on mine and I was talking to him. I noticed his eyes were very heavy. He reached over and patted my face and said "love you so much Momma" and of course I got choked up. He then said "rub my back please" so i rubbed his back for a minute and he groggily said "sing to me momma" which i haven't done since he was an infant so i thought that was an odd request. When he was a baby I always sang "My Bonnie lies over the ocean" (which is something I remember my parents singing to me) and "My favorite things" I sang these to him while he put his arm around me and I rubbed his back and for the first time since he was less than a year old he fell asleep in my arms. Now to most people maybe that sounds like nothing, but I laid there and looked at him as he was so quiet and thought to myself, would my life ever feel this full if I had never had this precious child? No matter the fits and tantrums, the money or stress, it's the moments like that when he is totally vulnerable and completely precious that I know it's all worth it.

Crazy Time

I swear time is just flying by!! I can't believe it's late October already! I remember when I was in school it seemed like time crawled by like a snail. Now I can't get it to slow down. Thursday is my birthday. Isn't funny how when we were younger we use to count down the days until our birthday and now it's just there. I'm not one of those people who dread their birthdays. Maybe when I'm turning 60 I wont like it but I'm about to turn 28. I'm ok with that. And I'm pretty happy with where my life is. I'm no where close to where I thought I would be but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm a very reflective person. Very analytical. Sometimes that's a good things, a lot of times it's bad. Lately all I can do is think about dancing. I watch my old dance tapes and just sigh. What an amazing time. What an amazing outlet. I can remember being in such a horrible mood, rebounding from a crappy day and I would dance for an hour and all of that would melt away. I need that outlet again. But how do you get it when you're almost 28 and 40 pounds overweight. I know I know, if I would dance I wouldn't be 40 pounds overweight. I take ballroom dancing when I can, but it's pretty expensive. Not that I mind spending the money, but when you have bills and a kid it's hard to make that a priority. Don't get me wrong I LOVE Terre Haute, but there really isn't anywhere to go and dance. Unless it's midnight and you're wasted then you can endure the Bally. I loved it when Willy Jacks was here. I would tear it up!! And at THDWTS I got at there and broke it down. I had such an amazing time ..... because of dancing. I really need to find a way to dance. I need it.

Dancing With the Stars!

So as you all may know I'm a huge fan of Dancing with the Stars. So I was thrilled when once again Brandon Halleck asked me to be a part of Terre Haute's Dancing With the Stars!! My good friend Amy and I took pictures at the event and had a marvelous time. It's so fun to get all prettied up and go out with our husbands sans children. We love our kids don't get me wrong, but anyone who has kids knows that as much as you need them around, you need your away time as well.

It was a wonderful night and there was over $103,000 raised for Indiana Chances for Youth. It was so awesome to see so many people come out for the event. And of course I'm HUGE fan on dancing which I did take a small break from pictures to do just that. The band Shoes and Strings was there and they completely rocked!! The evening was a total success!!

I just adore taking pictures. Outside of hair it's my favorite thing to do. Am I professional? No. Will I ever be? Heck no, but it does save a ton of money to do them yourself. I love visually documenting our lives. But after seeing the pictures I took for DWTS, I realized it's time to upgrade cameras. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love my Nikon, but I'm realize the more I get into taking pictures that I need more options. I can't go wrong taking outdoor pictures but indoor pictures are hard to balance the lighting. So I'm ready to move on up. So I think I'm going to sell my Nikon. I have a Nikon D40 with a 18-55mm lens and a 55-200mm lens, two batteries, two memory cards, an external flash and a carrying case. I'm thinking of selling the whole bundle for $750 which is a good deal since I paid over $1000 just last year. We shall see. Even if it doesn't sell right away I'm going to keep on snappin away!!

Rants

I see so many people doing blogs and always wondered why? I have a facebook page that I use several times every day. I have a twitter account. But after reading all these other blogs I have realized it's a great place to either vent or use as a platform for pictures and updating to people who don't have those other sources. So since I'm the kind of person who puts it all out there a blog would be a nice place to be able to vent all the crazy things that go on inside my head. If people want to read it, they can, if not, no biggie.

I don't want to go on and on about 'who I am' and 'where I came from'. If you're reading this blog then obviously you know me well enough that you would even know where to find it. So I wont bore you with the whole "getting to know you" thing. I will just jump into a rant for the day.

Today my car was acting really funny while I was getting ready to take Liam to Nana's. So I turned back and had Josh check it out while I took his car. 30 minutes later he tells me the transmission is out. So being the digger that he is, he gets on google and researches my car type to find out this is a common problem with Chrystler Pacificas. Come to find out that's not actually what was wrong with it. We ended up taking it to Aamco down south and he tells me it's the EGK cable and the catalytic converter. To me that means blah blah blah cha ching. Which comes to almost $700. In terms of cars breaking down this isn't as horrible as it could be. To two twenty-somethings with a 2 year old and debt it means PANIC!!!!

But I'm trying to stay positive. Something that's becoming increasingly hard to do. Much like everyone else, when it rains it pours. We have had one hit after another. We are good people and believe in karma. If you do good things, good things will happen. That's not really happening right now.

While I'm grumping I may as well throw my other issue out there. My weight. My constant struggle. More than anything else I always battle my weight. I always start diets. Start being the operative word. I go strong for a while and then something happens ... or nothing happens. It doesn't take much for me to fall off the wagon. And why is that? Every morning when I get dressed I hate myself for eating that extra piece of pizza the night before. Every night when I take a bath I kick myself for not working out. I can blame it on my work schedule, or being a mom, or whatever else I can come up with, but the truth of the matter is that I don't have the discipline to quit eating the foods that are bad for me. I wish I could get hit by something that would smack some sense into me. I guess my day will come.

So now that I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to go play with my son. The reason my day doesn't completely suck. I think things are horrible and I feel so damn sorry for myself, then I look at his beautiful face and things just seem ok. Thank God for that amazing child that I love more than life itself.