Reality Check

Ouch, yikes, jeez, scoff. Those are the sounds of a big reality check. What do you do when you realize that you have things you need to change. My life has been one big emotional roller coaster. I always remember thinking, "When I hit ___ age things will start to level out" But ___ age hasn't done shit yet. Identity crisis after identity crisis. It's a game that's constantly played and seldom won.

I can remember like it was yesterday a dance recital I did in 1994. Something happened. I was getting dressed for the opening number and I felt choked. I had one of the stage moms adjust my costume so it wasn't constricting my neck. But it didn't help. And it was very visible. When the curtain came up and music began to play I almost froze. Yes I danced but it was very restricted and boring. You can see it on the tape. The second number was the same. By the end of the recital it was weaning and I was fine. But inevitably every performance after that was the same thing. Then it trickled into my every day life. Going to the movies, parties, even small social gatherings. Plagued me constantly. Dr visit after Dr visit even a trips to the therapist. Finally when I was about 18 they started to level out. I don't know if it was hormones or I was finally coming to grips with it. I still had my flair ups but nothing like it was. I realized that part of the cause of my anxiety attacks were bottling things up. I talked to no one about it but my parents. Then I would try to please everyone. Tell them what they want to hear, try to make everyone else happy but myself.

After a few more years I began to realize I couldn't do that to myself. I started talking about my feelings and emotions and I felt instantly better. It was amazing the relief I got. And being open and honest was so much easier because everyone knew where they stood with me.

Now the problem becomes that I'm 28 married with a kid, house and a career. And I feel the need to go and run and do because I never could. I bottled myself up for so long that I couldn't go out and now that I can I want to. How do you balance that? I'm here to tell you, you can't. No matter how bad I want to fight it those days are gone.

I chose to get married which I don't regret and I chose to have a baby which I don't regret. I don't want to "be free" or anything like that. I still want the responsibilities that I have. But how do I shake this feeling of settling my mind down?

I know that I can be harsh or brash. I know that because of my honesty and being up front that I can be a bit much. So where is the balance. How do I find a way to make myself happy and others. I use to have the mentality of "screw 'em, if you can't accept me the way I am then to hell with ya" Well that's not very sensible is it? But now that I know what it is to be on each side, how do I find the middle ground? I know it's going to take a while to change this, and I feel bad for the transition it will take. But it needs to be done. What to do, what to do. Sigh