My choice, My right, Get over it

Ok, allow me to have a moment real quick. I remember a conversation my husband and I had a little over three years ago. I was laying in the bathtub for almost an hour when Josh came in to check on me. I was kind of in a daze. He walked in and asked if I was ok and without thinking I looked up at him and said, "I want to have a baby" It wasn't even what I was thinking about but it just came out. Shocked me almost as much as him. So we talked a lot about it and decided that we wouldn't try so much as we wouldn't not try. I think this was around September we had this conversation. The Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Liam. I remember feeling overwhelmed and so happy. I thought it would take much longer given that we had unprotected sex TWO TIMES. Good gracious. So we went through the journey of being pregnant. I've told the story enough times I don't have to again. Needless to say by the end of it I made up my mind, as well as Josh did, that we weren't going to have anymore kids. I talked to my Dr about it. She didn't want to tie my tubes in case I wasn't sure if I wanted to have more or not. I told her I was sure but they wouldn't take my word for it. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Now it kind of honks me off.

I have said many many many times that I have no desire to have another kids. I use to give reasons why: money, time, just don't have the desire. But here is what I realized. For all the people that ask me and wonder why Josh and I don't want to have more kids, here is what is going to become my stock answer: "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS" Yes sorry, a little harsh but here is what my thing is, no matter what you think or what you feel ... it doesn't matter. It's MY CHOICE to have no more children. How does it affect your life if I don't have more kids?

Life is about choices. I have made mine. I did chose to have Liam and I chose to have no more. That doesn't make me a bad person or selfish. That means that I am happy and content with my son and don't desire anymore. So from now on whenever anyone feels the need to judge me, question me or simply ask me the question be ready for my answer ... "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!"

Reality Check

Ouch, yikes, jeez, scoff. Those are the sounds of a big reality check. What do you do when you realize that you have things you need to change. My life has been one big emotional roller coaster. I always remember thinking, "When I hit ___ age things will start to level out" But ___ age hasn't done shit yet. Identity crisis after identity crisis. It's a game that's constantly played and seldom won.

I can remember like it was yesterday a dance recital I did in 1994. Something happened. I was getting dressed for the opening number and I felt choked. I had one of the stage moms adjust my costume so it wasn't constricting my neck. But it didn't help. And it was very visible. When the curtain came up and music began to play I almost froze. Yes I danced but it was very restricted and boring. You can see it on the tape. The second number was the same. By the end of the recital it was weaning and I was fine. But inevitably every performance after that was the same thing. Then it trickled into my every day life. Going to the movies, parties, even small social gatherings. Plagued me constantly. Dr visit after Dr visit even a trips to the therapist. Finally when I was about 18 they started to level out. I don't know if it was hormones or I was finally coming to grips with it. I still had my flair ups but nothing like it was. I realized that part of the cause of my anxiety attacks were bottling things up. I talked to no one about it but my parents. Then I would try to please everyone. Tell them what they want to hear, try to make everyone else happy but myself.

After a few more years I began to realize I couldn't do that to myself. I started talking about my feelings and emotions and I felt instantly better. It was amazing the relief I got. And being open and honest was so much easier because everyone knew where they stood with me.

Now the problem becomes that I'm 28 married with a kid, house and a career. And I feel the need to go and run and do because I never could. I bottled myself up for so long that I couldn't go out and now that I can I want to. How do you balance that? I'm here to tell you, you can't. No matter how bad I want to fight it those days are gone.

I chose to get married which I don't regret and I chose to have a baby which I don't regret. I don't want to "be free" or anything like that. I still want the responsibilities that I have. But how do I shake this feeling of settling my mind down?

I know that I can be harsh or brash. I know that because of my honesty and being up front that I can be a bit much. So where is the balance. How do I find a way to make myself happy and others. I use to have the mentality of "screw 'em, if you can't accept me the way I am then to hell with ya" Well that's not very sensible is it? But now that I know what it is to be on each side, how do I find the middle ground? I know it's going to take a while to change this, and I feel bad for the transition it will take. But it needs to be done. What to do, what to do. Sigh

Tis the season to be ?

What a Christmas this was! It had it's up's and down's. Last Sunday Josh came home from a movie sicker than a dog. Turns out he had the flu and bronchitis that a week later still has him feeling down. Though not like he was. I've never really seen him that sick. Then Liam decided to get a little cold. Nothing major but enough that he didn't act like his normal chipper self. But nonetheless he had a fantastic Christmas. His reactions to the presents just killed me. Every time we set a present in front of him he would get all jittery and say "What is it!!!!???" Too cute. It was fun.

We got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family so that's always wonderful. Then we pretty much got to relax the rest of the day. Dad and Josh went to a movie and mom and I did spa stuff and watched P.S. I love you (Nice tear jerker for Christmas time eh) I then woke up with a domestic rage today and went crazy. I went grocery shopping and got everything stocked up. When I came home to put them away I took a look at my kitchen and thought "No this just wont do" I tore it up! I cleaned out every drawer, every nook every cranny. Scrubbed, swept, moped and dusted. Then I moved on to the dining room, bath room and living room, though the living room still looks like a tornado went through it since Liam has to bring out every toy he owns. You know I look at some other peoples houses who have kids and it's all organized and picked up and I think "Do your kids actually play with their toys? Or are you just OCD and pick them up the second they walk away?" I clean up toys at least three times a day and yet at the end of the night my living room floor looks like a toy box threw up. Ah well. Gotta pick your battles I guess.

Am I the only person out there who still gets touches of season depression? I absolutely hate it and I fight it so hard but damnit sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and cry. And I do. Of course I've always been prone to being a cry baby, but I hate that I get to feeling so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm weak and I DO NOT like feeling week. The stress from money to house work to a toddler to bickering to time to work to whatever. Usually I'm a rock and I can handle it and be Super Mom, Super Wife, Super Employee. And sometimes I pretty much drown myself in pity. Why? It's a feeling that overcomes me and I have no control.

Here's the other thing. Why do I finally find my motivation to lose weight and become healthier at this time of year? When there are so many awful things being served and my willpower faulters. I wish there was hypnosis or acupuncture or a pill you could take to make your brain shut off it's cravings. I look in the mirror after and bath and think, "Now was that extra piece of meatloaf worth it? Are you that lazy you couldn't have found time to work out today? No wonder you don't think any of your clothes fit right." The damage that pregnancy did on me cannot be undone without surgery I know that. I feel like my stomach looks like a deflated balloon. And yes I'm aware that my bikini days are over, but I would like to look at myself and not be repulsed. There should be a support group you can join like AA where you have a sponsor you can call before you eat and talk you down of the ledge.

So I'm not going down the path of making a New Years Resolution to lose weight. No no no. I'm ready for my life change.

I made myself too many things

I had a moment of clarity tonight. I'm quite sure that the things in my life that stress me out, are of my own doing. Maybe I haven't created the situations, but how I deal with them leads to how much stress it causes me in the long run. I kind of touched on this in my last blog I believe but it's really hit me lately that I can, in some way shape or form, control the stress I have. I think my biggest enemy these days is time. Everything I do factors around time. And I'm not even as busy as most people. But effective time management would add to other situations running smoothly.

I know everyone has those days where you feel like there just aren't enough hours to go around. When really what it comes down to is laziness. I mean I could get EVERYTHING done I wanted to if I didn't feel the need to take a break here and there or just be a procrastinator. I am the queen of putting things off and as a result of it I have become hopelessly forgetful. I'm sooooooooo sick of it. And ready to turn the page.

I think it's time I started being more effective about my time. Unfortunately this will come with a price. I'm constantly overexerting myself. And it's me. Whether people ask me to do things or not, I have the choice to accept or deny. And I usually accept. Not to say I'm not going to do anything for anyone, but I'm just going to start budgeting my time better as to reduce the self inflicted stress in my life.

Random thoughts bouncing through my head

I would like to apologize in advance if this happens to be long winded. I have my nights where I just have to get things out of my system. Do you ever just get a pile up of random thoughts? I guess I'm too self expressive for my own good.

Sickness: I've pretty much had enough of it this month. December has been the month of nonstop sickness in the Andreas household. I had an infection in my eye, then a sinus infection, Liam has had a cold and non stop diarrhea, now Josh is sick. Enough already!!!

Liam: I will get my gripe out first. Yes I know every kid in the entire world goes through it but the terrible twos can pretty much suck it. I mean when he is good he is fantastic but when he gets whiny and throws his fits I could pretty much crawl out of my skin. Especially when he does it in public. I feel like we get those looks like "Please control your bratty kid" Try as I might to give him structure and reasonable discipline he still gets out of control. Having said that, he is such a smart kid. He can dialog for crying out loud. He can be amazingly caring and loving. And funny ... oh my god this kid says some funny stuff. Despite his tantrums he really is an amazing kid.

Music: Indeed a random throw out, but I'm so moved by it. Especially lately. Sometimes I can be in this weird mood and I turn on my music and hit shuffle and a song will come up that is so appropriate to what I'm feeling. It's amazing how a beat and lyrics can change your mood. I know I go on and on about Michael Buble, but there is something about 'standards' that I've always loved and his voice is like silk. And when I hear an upbeat song that makes me want to dance it brings a huge smile to my face.

Food: You want to talk about the ultimate love/hate relationship. I'm trying to come to grips with my battle with food. I falter more than succeed but it's a battle I'm willing to fit. I'm getting better about my portions which is the battle I've always lost. When something tastes good you want to eat and eat and eat. I think I've found that eating slower helps; it gives your brain time to tell your stomach that it's full. It's a work in progress but I'm willing to work hard to lose this damn weight.

Self reflection: I either do this too much or not enough. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on who I am. But I struggle with turning aspects of myself off. I probably give too much to my clients. It's hard when you have a job that involves touching to not get invested. They share with me, I share with them. But it's bitten me in the ass several times. When clients leave it's a mix of emotions. Part of me says "I'm not their taste, I'm too expensive, it's a scheduling issue" and I move on and am fine with it. But another part of me says "Did I offend them? What if I'm not good enough? Did I make them uncomfortable? What could I have done to make them more happy?" And I bring that home and pretty much beat myself up over it. I think to a lot of clients they go home and don't think another thought about it and when they go to a different stylist it's just an easy switch to them. And maybe it is, but I guess I need more closure than most people do. I need to learn to turn that part of my brain off, but I think it's a hard balance. I know it should be business and not personal but when you're a hairstylist it is personal too.

Friends: There is a balance I can't win at. You make some happy, you piss some off. When I was in high school I wanted a ton of friends and never got them. I don't know why. Then when Josh and I started dating we were all about each other and didn't have time for a lot of friends. Now that life has calmed down I have a lot of friends but because of Liam and work and family and other friends it's like I can't make everybody happy. It's flattering that so many people want to spend time with you but then you add up all the things you do in a week and it makes you wonder when you schedule time to breath. But I am lucky to have so many amazing friends who are loving and supportive.

I think I've hit that point in my life where I can no longer make apologies for the person that I am. All things considered I'm pretty happy with who I am. I think I'm a good person, a hard worker, a good friend. I just need to work on balance. I think that will be my word for 2011. Balance.

Medusa's Christmas Dinner

Tonight was Medusa's Chistmas dinner at my house. It was a very nice evening :) When I got home from work I got the house all cleaned up while Joshy went to the grocery store. Everyone came over about 7 and we ate a fabulous dinner! Laken brought home made mac and cheese, Jimmy brought green bean casserole, Dee brought broccoli slaw, Neil brought mashed potatoes, Amy brought peach cobbler and Joshy made some amazing parmesean crusted chicked breasts. Soooo yummy :) Overall it was a wonderful evening!!

In other news, Liam has been sickly this week. Wednesday he was fine until the evening and he started getting diarrhea and has had it on and off ever since. He hasn't had a fever and he is eating and drinking, he has just had diarrhea for four days. It's so odd. I'm hoping it clears up soon, I'm sure he is irritated with it and it doesn't help with his exema at all. Poor dude.

Things are going very well though. I can't believe that Christmas is only a week away. I know everyone says this but time really is flying by. I feel like it was just summer. With the weather the way it's been I wouldn't mind if it was summer again. I just hate winter. It's not even the snow that bothers me. It's the wind and the ice. But that's the midwest for ya. Hell even Florida is cold right now!!!

I know every parent gets a kick out of their kids but I, obviously, just adore my son. Bathtimes are always fun because he is an expressive little guy and being around water brings out the goofy side in him. I heart bath time :)

I FOUND IT!!!

I FOUND IT I FOUND IT!!! A while ago I had written that for some reason I couldn't find my motivation. Well I have officially found it and I think I might have figured out a way to keep it. A couple days ago I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was kinda sickly and feeling down. Which is normal this time of year. Everything in life is going really well so I couldn't figure out why I was so down. And then it hit me. NOTHING should be bothering me that much. So why am I letting it?

I am a youtube junkie. I'm always on there looking up hair videos and dance videos. But along the way I stumble on other videos that pop up. I recently found some while looking up a hair video about the power of positive thinking. I have heard this several times from my mom and boss and other people. But looking at some of these stories of people really hit me. No matter how hard my life gets, when it comes right down to it I'm pretty damn lucky.

The other thing I have realized is I have to take responsibility and accountability for the things that are wrong in my life. What are the corp things people complain about? Money, time, kids, weight? All that is pretty manageable. Money: it will always be an issue no matter what, but if you're responsible and make sure that all your stuff is taken care of first, then whatever is leftover is yours. I'm lucky enough that my wonderful clients chose to tip me for the service I provide them so that gives me a little extra cushion. Time: there will never be enough of it, you just have to make the time you have mean something. Kids: yes they are stressful and expensive and tiresome, but they are also lovable, affectionate and give your life some extra meaning. Weight: that's my big one. I have accepted that I will always struggle with my weight. Not that I'm ok with being my size, but I need to accept that I'm just built for cushion. I look back at pictures when I was in high school (which is a hard comparison since it was almost 10 years ago and I had no bills or stress or a kid) but nonetheless. I looked the best I ever did and even at that I weighed 165 pounds. On a lot of women that would be massive, but for me that was skinny. I would just love to be at 180. And I will.

I have decided that changing the way I mentally approach my diet determines how my attitude reflects it. I always resent my diet and fight it. I think what I need to do is be realistic. I KNOW that I will never be able to force myself to eat the foods I don't like, and honestly I don't like vegetables. I know they are the best thing for you and all that, but I can't make myself eat something I just don't like. I'm working on expanding that, but until then I have to work on what I do like. As much as I fight it and fight it, I have to cut back on carbs. I love bread and pasta. LOOOOOOOOVE them, but they are my enemy. I will not cut them out but I can reduce. Then there is pop, and fried foods, and salt. I'm not a sweets person so that's no problem. I'm going to work on portions and reduce/eliminate the bad things. I have to do this. For my physical and mental health and to be a good role model to my son. My goal is to be 30 pounds lighter by summer. And I shall.

Holy crap!

I really hate it when I have a blah night. That usually means what I've blogged about before. I get over analytical. Not that I'm going to go on a rampage or anything. It just means I have extra time to dump my random thoughts around on the internet.

Work is so very busy which I'm so very grateful for. I love being busy at work. Sometimes I can't believe how much I love what I do. I mean I really do. And I get PAID to do it!! Woot!! But in the same respect it is very tiring. You give and give all day which is great but unfortunately that means sometimes when I get home from work I'm pretty worthless. I know tons of people work very hard jobs and come home and are as productive there as they are at work. And a lot of times I am to, but I will admit a lot of times I'm down right lazy. I know there are clean dishes in the dish washer ready to be put away and I know there are dirty ones ready to be cleaned. I know that there are five loads of laundry ready, a tub that needs scrubbed, toys that need picked up, counters need dusted. But then my mind says, "But I can do that tomorrow, relax" Then tomorrow becomes three days and three days become five. I wish I knew where some people draw their inspiration from.

I think I got "spoiled" but always living in apartments that were never bigger than 800 square foot. Now we are in a house that is well over 2000 and it's hard to keep up with!! Sometimes I can spend all day cleaning and when I sit down I realize I didn't even clean my bedroom, or Liams closet didn't get organized. I know housework is always a work in progress and never really gets done, but I'm not gonna lie; if I could afford to hire a house cleaner to come in once a week and do all the nitty gritty cleaning that I have NO DESIRE to do, you bet your sweet ass I would be all over it!!

I want a clean nice tidy house. I want it very badly, but I also want to play with Liam, and spend time with my husband, and see my family and friends. I want to watch some fun shows on tv, take a long bath, sleep occasionally. Such a balance.