I need help

Where did it go? My motivation that is. I am so completely dissatisfied with the way i look. I've never really had a bad self image. I always have been a bigger person. I've always known that I will always be a bigger person. I just never thought I would let myself go this bad. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you have to take a good hard look at yourself and realize ... I have no freaking willpower. Yet no matter how much I look at myself and realize ... I'm a tubbo, I can't seem to stop myself. My problem is I love food. I'm Italian. I love everything starch.

I would love to be a trim size 12. That's not an unrealistic goal. I'm now a full 14. It's mainly my stomach and double chin that bother me. I always gain it in my face first. My stomach is really whats out of control. Before when I gained weight I would gain my weight evenly. Since I've had Liam it all goes to my stomach. I hate it. Hate hate hate it. I can't even stand to look at myself.

I had no idea how much gaining weight would affect my whole self image. My least favorite part of the day is getting dressed. Putting on a dress that once looked really good on me and now looks horrible. Wearing jeans and feeling confident and now I want to wear baggy shirts to cover myself up. I don't know what I need to do to kick my butt into gear.

You would think that just looking at myself would do it. That getting angry every morning while getting dressed would trigger it. Yet it doesn't. So I need your advice friends. What's a girl to do to stay motivated? I'm so not into the "trends" I'm not going to do Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, all that crap. I'm already on myfitnesspal.com that helps track your calories. That doesn't help me when it's time to sit down for a meal. That doesn't help me when I don't have time to exercise. I need inspiration.

Talk the talk, walk the walk ... but do you think the thought?

Here is the bad thing about having days off ... it allows me way too much time to think about things. Which in some ways is a good thing, in other ways a bad thing. I have felt like crap the past couple days due to some medical issues and that has left me with a lot of down time to think about life.

Josh's best friend Jon called us last night and told us some wonderful news. Him and his wife Amy are expecting their first child in June. It's fabulous news. Wonderful news! It was so wonderful in the midst of feeling crappy to hear some truly joyful news. It kind of put things in perspective. After we got off the phone with him and the boys went to bed I though a lot about where my life was at when I was in the same position as Jon and Amy.

I will never ever forget the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant. Josh and I had talked very very briefly about trying to have a baby, which we came to the decision that we wouldn't necessarily try, so much as we wouldn't be so careful. And that's all it took ... two tries and there we were. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Josh was at home and I was at my moms house. We had a small disagreement (my mom and I that is) she asked me what my problem was. Why I was so moody. I chalked it up to having PMS. So I left to head home. For some reason that I can't explain I stopped at Kroger and bought a pregnancy test. I would do this from time to time whenever I was a day or two late to assure myself that I wasn't pregnant and then inevitably I would start the next day. So I assumed this time would be no different. When I got home I hid the pregnancy test in my coat so Josh wouldn't see it. It ticked him off that I would do this time to time since pregnancy tests are pretty expensive.

So I went to the bathroom and took the test and sat there until I was sure I would look over and it would say "Not Pregnant" as it always had. 8 minutes went by and I looked over at the test that read "___ Pregnant" Stupid me thought "Oh .... well it hasn't sat long enough yet ... the "Not" didn't pop up. So I took the other test that was in the box. 45 seconds after I took the test ... there it was. PREGNANT. I have never felt that many nerve endings go off in my body at one time. I immediately started to cry, followed by panic, followed by nausea, followed by the only thing I knew close to euphoria. Then it hit me, Josh thinks I'm just in the bathroom. He has no idea what I'm doing. If you know me at all you know that when I cry it's written all over my face. I get red and splotchy and puffy. So there was no holding back. I walk into the front room where Josh looks up at me like I've lost my mind. When he asks me what's wrong I start sobbing and in the middle of my meltdown I manage to say "I'm pregnant" He sat there stunned for what seemed like an eternity and then got up to hug me. I still think it took him about a month for it to really sink in.

Then of course I called my mom. She answered saying "What ... you just left here. Did you forget something?" I told her I figured out what was causing my moodiness. She asked if I got my period .... not for 9 more months! All she could do was yell "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" LOL After that I called pretty much everyone in my phone to tell them the news.

I think back about that night and remember the feeling I had. That feeling of "Yes my life is definitely about to change" I had no idea how much. All I knew is how much, just in the time it took for the pregnancy test to change, I could fall in love so quickly. I think I need to remember that feeling whenever I get in a mood about Liam being moody. Kids are always going to go through phases. They are always going to push your buttons, be better for other people, wake you up in the middle of the night and be expensive. But they also allow you to feel the greatest love you've ever known. They have no idea that one, just one genuine smile, can drastically change your day for the better. That no matter how broke you are, frustrated, on edge and crazy you feel, remember that feeling you got when you found out they were coming. Remember that feeling you got when the Dr handed them to you for the first time. Remember the sense of joy you felt when they smiled, truly smiled for the first time.

Trickle Effect

Why do we always have to be strong? Don't you ever have those times when you want to throw yourself on the floor kicking and screaming asking why? I have a two year old that does that and it's annoying as hell but sometimes I feel like that's what I need. Sometimes something happens ... or nothing happens. And I get down. I have no idea why. I have always thought of myself as a very strong person. But even strong people waver.

I have all the things I ever asked for. A great husband, beautiful son, wonderful supportive family, the best friends you could ask for, a career I love and a great life. Nice house, nice car, nice things. I shouldn't complain. I actually get downright upset at people that constantly bitch about how much their life sucks. I'm not even saying that. My life doesn't suck. My life is great. But don't you just have those times where things pile up? Little things? I've hit that point. All the little things in my life that piss me off have all piled up to where I just want to cry.

Life is about control. I control my life. Or so I think I do. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to piss people off. Or let people down. I have a very hard time saying no to people. I need to learn to do that. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so run down. Because that's what I am. Run into the damn ground. And I can't blame anyone but myself. I overload myself with a million things to do. I have a very active two year old. I love him more than life itself but sometimes I just can't keep up with him. The whining and crying and fussing and arguing. I know that every parent goes through this. I know that this is normal. I know it in no way reflects my feelings as a mother, but damnit sometimes it's so hard. I wait to see him all day long and sometimes I get home and he is grumpy and tearing up the house. The house that I just spend three hours cleaning the night before. But how do you get mad about that. It's a house. It gets cluttered.

I get clients I can't please at work. Co-workers you can't please. Don't have enough time for your friends, don't have enough time for your husband. Don't have enough money for anything. You give you give you give you give you give and sometimes rarely when you take you get crap for it.

Motivation. This is the word that plagues my life. I can't keep the motivation to lose weight. I can't get motivated to keep my house picked up. I can't motivate myself to stay positive. So how do you do it? How do you stay motivated to do the right thing? How do you make yourself happy and not piss everyone else off? How do you make everyone else happy and not piss yourself off?

I hate this time. This time when I feel pitiful and sorry for myself. I hate it. That's why I have to vent it out. To get it out so I can let it go. Let it out so I don't continue to be like this. I want to be strong and confident. For myself. For my family. For my friends. I guess this too shall pass.

Weekend

This weekend was Battle of the Stylists. It was a lot of fun. Took up the whole day on Sunday. But I got to spend the day with three amazing ladies and side by side with my best friend Jimmy. It was a lot of prep work but well worth it. Though I didn't win I am proud of the work that I did. The thing is, I'm not that avaunt guard with my style. I'm a "pretty" stylist. I love soft beautiful hair. I'm not edgy and unfortunately in competitions you need to have that edge. I'm totally ok with not winning. It was a fun night amongst my peers. Plus Jimmy got third place :)

I'm very blessed to be able to work in a career that I love. And I get paid to do it!! My job allows me to meet people from all different walks of life. I have learned things, heard things, experienced things that I never would have if I wasn't in this career. I have made some amazing friends. I'm so thankful for everything I have experienced.

Precious Moment

I just had one of the most precious moments with Liam I think I have ever had. I picked him up from day care tonight and he was kind of warm and lethargic. I got him home and took his temperature and it was 101.6. Bummmmmer. So I gave him tylenol and his allergy medicine. Let him run around and play a little before we settled in. Now we have been fighting bed time something fierce for the past two or three weeks. So it was odd that he was not arguing at all when I said it was time to go to bed.

Our new night time regiment has become for me to lay in his bed and read him three books (two of which are always Grovers Guide to Good Manners and Goodnight Moon) then we talk about his day and what we are going to do tomorrow then I leave his room where he usually cries and fusses for a while before going to sleep. So tonight I went in and read his books, talked and decided since he didn't feel well I would lay in there with him for a few minutes.

He laid on his side and me on mine and I was talking to him. I noticed his eyes were very heavy. He reached over and patted my face and said "love you so much Momma" and of course I got choked up. He then said "rub my back please" so i rubbed his back for a minute and he groggily said "sing to me momma" which i haven't done since he was an infant so i thought that was an odd request. When he was a baby I always sang "My Bonnie lies over the ocean" (which is something I remember my parents singing to me) and "My favorite things" I sang these to him while he put his arm around me and I rubbed his back and for the first time since he was less than a year old he fell asleep in my arms. Now to most people maybe that sounds like nothing, but I laid there and looked at him as he was so quiet and thought to myself, would my life ever feel this full if I had never had this precious child? No matter the fits and tantrums, the money or stress, it's the moments like that when he is totally vulnerable and completely precious that I know it's all worth it.

Crazy Time

I swear time is just flying by!! I can't believe it's late October already! I remember when I was in school it seemed like time crawled by like a snail. Now I can't get it to slow down. Thursday is my birthday. Isn't funny how when we were younger we use to count down the days until our birthday and now it's just there. I'm not one of those people who dread their birthdays. Maybe when I'm turning 60 I wont like it but I'm about to turn 28. I'm ok with that. And I'm pretty happy with where my life is. I'm no where close to where I thought I would be but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm a very reflective person. Very analytical. Sometimes that's a good things, a lot of times it's bad. Lately all I can do is think about dancing. I watch my old dance tapes and just sigh. What an amazing time. What an amazing outlet. I can remember being in such a horrible mood, rebounding from a crappy day and I would dance for an hour and all of that would melt away. I need that outlet again. But how do you get it when you're almost 28 and 40 pounds overweight. I know I know, if I would dance I wouldn't be 40 pounds overweight. I take ballroom dancing when I can, but it's pretty expensive. Not that I mind spending the money, but when you have bills and a kid it's hard to make that a priority. Don't get me wrong I LOVE Terre Haute, but there really isn't anywhere to go and dance. Unless it's midnight and you're wasted then you can endure the Bally. I loved it when Willy Jacks was here. I would tear it up!! And at THDWTS I got at there and broke it down. I had such an amazing time ..... because of dancing. I really need to find a way to dance. I need it.

Dancing With the Stars!

So as you all may know I'm a huge fan of Dancing with the Stars. So I was thrilled when once again Brandon Halleck asked me to be a part of Terre Haute's Dancing With the Stars!! My good friend Amy and I took pictures at the event and had a marvelous time. It's so fun to get all prettied up and go out with our husbands sans children. We love our kids don't get me wrong, but anyone who has kids knows that as much as you need them around, you need your away time as well.

It was a wonderful night and there was over $103,000 raised for Indiana Chances for Youth. It was so awesome to see so many people come out for the event. And of course I'm HUGE fan on dancing which I did take a small break from pictures to do just that. The band Shoes and Strings was there and they completely rocked!! The evening was a total success!!

I just adore taking pictures. Outside of hair it's my favorite thing to do. Am I professional? No. Will I ever be? Heck no, but it does save a ton of money to do them yourself. I love visually documenting our lives. But after seeing the pictures I took for DWTS, I realized it's time to upgrade cameras. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love my Nikon, but I'm realize the more I get into taking pictures that I need more options. I can't go wrong taking outdoor pictures but indoor pictures are hard to balance the lighting. So I'm ready to move on up. So I think I'm going to sell my Nikon. I have a Nikon D40 with a 18-55mm lens and a 55-200mm lens, two batteries, two memory cards, an external flash and a carrying case. I'm thinking of selling the whole bundle for $750 which is a good deal since I paid over $1000 just last year. We shall see. Even if it doesn't sell right away I'm going to keep on snappin away!!