Ouchy

After getting this year off to a rocky start, I decided to make some changes. Having the emotional roller coaster of being pregnant then miscarrying made me prioritize and rethink things. I realized that if we were going to find time and money to have another baby that I can find the time and money to work out and get myself in order. So that's what I'm doing.

I made the decision to join Union Hospitals Fitness Center. I am going to be with Chad, my personal trainer so he can kick my butt into shape and work out at least three times a week. Plus I moved my treadmill into our bedroom so I'm more aware of it. I cut out soda, fried foods, and snacks. I'm eating better portions and trying to get more sleep.

I got on the scale at the gym and was amazing ... in a bad way. 211. I can say it because that number will not stay there. I can't believe I allowed myself to get back above 200 pounds. I'm so over it. My short term goal is to lose 25 pounds but my long term goal is to be 165. It's completely possible. I'm hoping that between workouts with Chad, working out by myself and a good diet that I can get back down to the weight I desire.

How to change

I'm embarking on a new journey in my life. No I'm not getting a divorce or changing careers. I'm joining a gym. For the first time, ever. I have always taken it upon myself to work out at home and we all have seen how far that gets me. Which don't get me wrong I will still do some stuff at home. I have my treadmill that I love and even though it is a game, the Kinect is quite the workout. Especially the dance game. I'm not even going to announce what my goals are or what I'm doing because I always sabotage myself. All I know is I'm making an all around change in the way I care for myself.

The other thing I'm trying to change is the way I view people. I get very irritated with people sometimes and I don't know why I let it bother me so much. I truly do appreciate the difference in people. I really respect the fact that people can be total opposites and still get along. I agree that we can parent differently, have different work ethics and treat friends differently. But sometimes it just gets under my skin. I don't want anyone to judge me so I try not to judge them. And externally I don't but sometimes internally I am screaming wtf???

I have never claimed to have any patience or tolerance which isn't a good thing. Having Liam has expanded that for me. You have to have patience when you have a toddler. But I really need working on letting things go. The first thing I did was go through facebook and either delete or hide people that I can't stand reading their things. I love facebook we all know that, but some people I could do without. I think sometimes I am so agreeable to my clients at work, that I have nothing left at the end of the day. But I'm going to start working very hard to let things go more often.

Special moments

Warning: very cheesy content to follow. If you aren't sappy or appreciate 'moments' then don't read on ... having said that, I will continue ...

I had a wonderful day today with Liam and Claire. They played all day. Wore themselves out and took a long nap. Then played all night. When Claire left I thought Liam had caught his second wind. So when 9:00 approached I thought, great this is going to be a struggle. So I waited an extra 15 minutes then told him it was time to read books. He went in his room without a fight. We read a book, talked about his day and I stood up to leave the room and he asked me if I would lay with him (like he usually does) So I laid down with him, like I usually do, and we sat quietly for a few minutes. We both closed our eyes and usually after a few minutes he falls to sleep or at least gets close enough to where when I get up he doesn't put up a fuss. When I opened my eyes I noticed he was looking at me. I looked back at him and he reached over and put his hand on my cheek. He ran his fingers over my nose on my head and back to my cheek. This is what I normally do to him to get him to relax. So thinking he was going to laugh because I knew he was mimicking me I smiled at him. He gave me the biggest most genuine smile, kept his hand on my cheek, gave me a kiss and told me "I love you so much momma, thank you for laying with me" And of course I totally lost it. He said "Don't cry momma, be happy." I told him I was happy and that I loved him too and he smiled then closed his eyes and went to sleep. Cheesy yes, very Lifetime movie channel, but it was the most precious moment I have shared with him.

Bluh

One flaw about myself that I pretty much can't stand and can't figure out how to change: Insomnia. I'm am such a troubled sleeper. I see so many people, my husband included, who could take shots of espresso and then lay down and go to sleep. For me it's like walking a tight rope.

Liam, after 2 years of being a fantastic 8-8 sleeper, has decided that's not cool anymore. It's much cooler to go to bed at 9, not fall asleep until 9:45, wake up at 1 crying that he wants to sleep in our bed, wake up at 4 crying and saying 'just because' and then being up for the day by 6:30. Now if it were just that, I could probably handle it. A little blip in the sleep, no big deal. Not for me. I'm one of those people that just doesn't get tired before 11, just doesn't happen. Most night I'm lucky if I get to sleep before midnight. So by 1:00, right when you're getting into that deep sleep, to be woken up by a screaming child shoots your nerves to hell. And OF COURSE he wants Momma. He bypasses Josh's side of the bed and comes straight to me, so even if Josh does get up with him, he starts screaming because he wants me. Most of the time within half an hour I get back to sleep then. It's the 4:00 that kills me. Crying and whining that we push off as long as we can. We will let him lay in there for at least 5-7 minutes thinking it's a fluke. Then he starts getting crazy. So I go in to talk to him and he can't give me a reason why he's up. After almost half an hour I talk him down, get him back to sleep and I'm WIRED. Mainly because I'm irritated, but because my body thinks "You're going to lay down and it will take you 30-45 minutes to sleep all to be woke back up in an hour, why bother" So I'm up at 4, every day and by 7 at night I'm a grump. A grump who is tired but can't sleep.

I understand kids go through phases. He might be having bad dreams, the cat might be making a noise, he could be like me and be a troubled sleeper, I don't know. All I know is I can't take anything to make me sleep. Mainly because I don't like to take medicine if I don't have to, but also because if he does wake up like he has been them I'm up with a medicine hang over and that wouldn't help my problem.

I'm trying to work on myself this year. My flaws. Recognizing them and taking steps to better myself. Realizing that my sleeping issue adds to my mood issue is the easy part, fixing it ... not so easy. Any tips out there from the troubled sleepers?

Highly impressed and very touched

Wow ... I am blown away. I got off work and was on my way to visit Amy when my phone rings. I didn't recognize the number, which is a good sign that I usually won't answer, but for some reason I did. When I answer the phone a familiar voice was on the other side. My doctor.

Ever since my long standing family doctor retired about 8 years ago I never settled with a doctor until I had Liam. And I found Susan Hester. She is a Nurse Practitioner at UAP who works under Dr Eplin. I have always felt more comfortable with a female doctor so I tried her out and instantly felt comfortable with her. Over the past almost three years I have grown to trust her completely and truly enjoy her company. I always feel like she truly cares what happens to not only me but my family. I always get in right away, never feel rushed and am always taken care of.

Even knowing all this I was so completely touched that she called me this evening. Since my OBGYN is technically a UAP doctor, they all share a computer system. I had called Susan when I found out I was pregnant to see if I needed to switch my blood pressure medicine, which they did and she called me the next day because she knew we had not only not tried for the pregnancy, we actually tried not to. After that my only communication I had was with Dr. Coutinho's office. But apparently she kept up on it because after I miscarried, which they obviously put in their system, she calls me tonight to check up and see how I'm doing. Now she looked in the system and saw that my levels were so low that I didn't have to have a DNC, so it's not like she was calling me to tell me I need to schedule something. She simply called to let me know she was thinking about me, ask how I was doing and asked if I needed anything. This woman see's probably upwards of a hundred people a day, works long crazy hours and at the end of the day on a Friday nonetheless, she herself called me to extend her compassion. I love this woman.

It's so nice to know that there are still people in the medical field who are in it for the patients. This woman has always gone above and beyond the call of duty. When you sit down to talk to her you feel like you're having coffee with one of your girlfriends. I have more respect for her than any physician I have ever met. I feel so fortunate to have found such a lovely doctor and I'm thankful that there are still loving, caring, selfless people out there like her. It makes you realize the world is still a happy wonderful place.

Twists and Turns

Well the year of 'testing' is still in full swing. Liam was up puking all night. There is nothing worse than seeing your kid sick. Every time he would throw up he would look at me with these big eyes and say "I'm sorry Momma, I'm better" Break my heart! But luckily he is doing better. I think trying to get them back to normal is almost as bad as them being sick in the first place. Trying to get their energy back, trying to get them to eat, sleep. But he is on the mend so that's great.

I have thought a lot lately about my friends. I have been very fortunate to share the company of some truly amazing people .....

The Allens. I'm sure you've all seen pictures of Claire Madeline. Liam's bff. Her parent's Adam and Amy have quickly become our best friends. It's a great little situation. We are the same age, Amy and I get along, Adam and Josh get along and the kids love each other. As a group it's a perfect fit and we couldn't be happier to have them.

Jimmy. Oh my Jimmy. Seldom to friends like him come along. He's my gay :) as I strongly believe every girl should have one. He is one of the most positive happy supportive people I know. I'm thrilled to have him in my life.

The Fosters. They have been friends of ours for years. Just over 10 years actually. They were in our wedding and have remained very supportive great friends.

The Earls. We went to Florida with them last year and had a blast. Our time with them is always good time and we don't get together often enough.

Nikki. I have been friends with Nikki the longest out of all of my friends. We met my 8th grade year at Otter Creek and have been friends ever since. We have more inside jokes than anyone I've ever met, and those jokes we still laugh at as much today as we ever did. It's funny to have a conversation 13 years ago about 'when we get older and are married with kids' and to actually be there. She is a wonderfully bubbly person with two gorgeous kids. :)

Sara. Sara and I have been friends almost as long as Nikki and I have. She is one of those friends that you can go a while without talking to and pick up right where you left off. I know if I ever really needed her she would be there a visa versa. She is cooky and smart and always seems to say the right thing.

My husband. My best friend. Yes we argue. Yes we disagree on some things. We have crazy schedules. But we are always there for each other and no one really gets me like he does. He has a calming affect on me. Whenever I feel flustered or wound up he is the only person that can bring me back down to reality. He is the love of my life.

I know there are a ton of other friends I have that are a huge support system. Whenever something is going on with me it seems like I have an our pouring of friends coming to my rescue. Between my clients, acquaintances, friends and family I have a huge net to catch me if I fall.

In the short 13 days of this year I have truly been put to the test, But I will prevail. I have decided that this year started off so bad to get all of it out of the way so the rest of the year can be fabulous. I'm choosing to spend this year focusing on what matters the most. I'm going to do more productive things with my time including making my health a priority. I'm getting back on the treadmill, eating smaller portions, and cutting out soda. I'm taking charge of my life. Look out ya'll!!

Up and Down

Up down up down up down. What an emotional roller coaster this year has been already and it's only January 11th. As it's obvious by now, I found out last week I was pregnant and yesterday I miscarried. A whirlwind of emotions. The last week has been one big test.

Josh and I had made up our minds that we didn't desire to have anymore kids, so when we wound up pregnant it was a shock to say the least. Then we warmed up to the idea. All to be blasted with another shock of losing it. Back and forth back and forth. And all I can say is that I'm so tired.

This week has made me stop and think about all the things going on in my life. Not just about kids, but about what I want out of life. I thought I had it all together and I don't. I thought I was so confident with who I was and I'm not. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in the middle of a breakdown. Been there ... had that. More like I'm ready to take an emotional journey to figuring out what I really truly want. I have what I need. I have a great husband, a fantastic son and a solid career. Outside of that I'm hazy. It's time for some changes in a good way.

I have always lived my life by the saying "Everything happens for a reason" There is always a lesson to be learned. And I'm doing just that. I'm very content with my family of three. I'm ready to take my life to the next level.

I will say that I'm overwhelmed by the outpour of support and well wishes from all my friends. It's almost sad that something bad has to happen to realize how people feel about you. I have such a huge support system between my family friends and clients and I'm so honored to know the people in my life. I'm so very thankful.

Words can't describe

Wow. How do I announce that I'm pregnant when just two weeks ago I wrote a blog about how having one child is my business and it's my choice. Needless to say ... oops!!

I discovered Monday and I was pregnant. And pretty much broke down. I felt sorry for myself and sad and couldn't understand why this happened. But things do happen. Accidents happen. And that's ok. Because in the matter of 48 hours what I thought I never wanted has become the most amazing thing. It has conquered the odds. The odds of us not desiring to have another child. The odds of us accidentally getting pregnant when we did.

Josh and I, even though our life plan has changes, we are very happy. I think Josh secretly wanted one anyway, but I wasn't on board. And when I first found out my initial thought was ... what the hell am I going to do. But it only took a little time for my mind to wrap around it and realize this was meant to be. So even though I feel like I'm contradicting everything I have been saying, I'm now happily saying that we will soon be a family of four :)

Nope not for me ...

2011. How did 2010 come and go so fast!? This was a whirlwind of a year. In terms of growth and vocabulary Liam has blown my mind. He started off last year at 17 months and now he's 2 1/2. Last year he got a few words and some jibberish and now he can talk in paragraphs. Sigh. I officially have a toddler, not a baby. But I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing him learn and grow.

Work has come leaps and bounds. Right when I think I can can't get any busier I do. My best friend Jimmy started working at Medusa's. Amy isn't an owner anymore. Changes Changes Changes! Oh what will this year bring? Who knows!!

Josh has really perfected his skills at work. I KNOW he is going to move up. I just know that 2011 will be his year to get promoted. He deserves to. He is a very hard worker. I'm very proud of him.

I'm not really one to make New Years resolutions. I believe if you need a change you make it when it needs to be made. And yes I have things I want to work on, but I work on them in March and August and any other month that needs it. I have been on my diet but of course like every other person out there I slip around the holidays. I'm human. But I have set my goal and I will achieve it.

The only other thing I still want to improve on, is me. My overall state of mind. I'm done with being lazy. Yes we all have our days, but there are some days where I could do things and I have the time but I just don't. I have a tendency to let my attitude get the best of me and I am bad about over doing it. I don't mind doing favors for people but it gets to overwhelming. I end up spending all my days off doing for other people and by the time I'm done it's time to go back to work and I'm exhausted. Which is why I get lazy throughout the week. I just need to start learning how to say no. I'm too much of a people pleaser. Which I guess isn't a horrible thing.

I have a few plans in the works for 2011. Medusa's is going to be contributing to the Swopes Mardi Gras party. We are going to be doing hair that imitates art. Very avaunt guard. I can't wait. I'm photographing a wedding which I'm both excited and nervous about. I looooooove taking pictures and I have taken pictures at weddings a bunch of times but I was never the primary photographer. But I'm more excited than anything. My amazing husband is getting me a new camera with his bonus this year so I will have amazing new equipment to use.

It's going to be a great year because I will make that way!! Have a happy new year everyone!!