Analyzation

This morning I woke up and dropped Liam off at day care before 9. I don't have to be at work until noon on Tuesdays so I took advantage of my time and went to work out for 45 minutes ... even though Chad killed me yesterday in our session. But hey, that's his job. Now I'm sitting at Starbucks with my computer and a yummy cup of coffee, looking outside at the flurries (ick) and listening to music. And I feel absolutely fantastic.

I wrote a blog a couple weeks ago talking about how horrible and stressful life has been. I completely embrace my feelings. If I'm feeling down then I have to allow myself to work through it because obviously there is a reason I feel that way. So I allowed myself to be depressed, eat whatever I wanted, be bitchy and grumpy. And then things started to turn around. Liam is in a new day care, which allows me to have some MUCH NEEDED alone time. I know there are people out there who love spending 24 hours a day with their kids. Kudos to them but I'm not one of them. I adore my son. I think he is the greatest human being ever put on this earth, but I was a person before he was born and I need to embrace that too. I was a daughter, friend, wife, hairstylist and independent woman before I had Liam and I can't ignore that. I never desired that much alone time before he was born ... because I had it!!

Where as I thoroughly enjoy all the time I spend with Liam, yes even when he is being a butt head, I need the time to detox my mind. Even if it's only an hour a day where I'm not with him and not at work that's perfect. But another great benefit to this, is that I'm given the opportunity to go work out. Now I will throw myself under the bus and say that I use to make fun of people who worked out, told them they were morons for having personal trainers and that I embraced my size. Well here it is. I love going to the gym, I didn't realize how much I was doing wrong before Chad taught me the right way, and even though I am totally fine with being curvy and being a bigger girl, I love the fact that I can start to see results from my hard work.

I'm getting to be in a great mental place again and it is just in time before I had a true breakdown. Do you ever have an identity crisis? One of those "be careful what you wish for you just might get it" deals? Well it hit me. Everything. I am everything for everybody. And I put enormous pressure on myself. No one else does it to me. I have gone through so many waves in my life. I don't know that I will ever find balance, but today, right now, I feel better than I have in years. I use to be a wallflower. Let people walk on me and go back for more. Then I became a stone cold bitch. Again ... no balance. Now I feel myself finding a happy medium. I still love to do things for people, but I'm learning when and where to say no and back off. Sometimes I really stretch myself thin. And if I do it too much then I'm going to let the bigger aspects of my life fall apart. I start to snap at Liam and Josh, I start to resent people and situations. And I just flat out don't want to be that way.

I will always be the kind of person who will lay their feelings out there. I like the fact that everyone knows where they stand with me. I don't like to beat around the bush. But I'm learning that I need to change my tone sometimes. That I need to plan out what I say before I say it so I can deliver myself in a more approachable way. This is the lesson I'm still learning and probably will always have to work on.

Yes I'm rambling but hey, it's my blog, I guess if you get tired of reading you will stop ...

I have no idea what the future holds for me and for the first time I'm kind of okay with that. I always have a short term goal, one year goal and five year goal which I always will. However I'm learning to take each day and see what it brings me before I plan the next. Emotionally anyway. What I do know is that I have the life that I asked for. And even though some days it stresses me out I wouldn't change it. This year Josh and I will be together 10 year, Liam will turn three, I will be at Medusa's for 6 years and I have the greatest friends I have ever known. If I start paying more attentions to the big factors of my life maybe the little things wouldn't bug me so much.

Sometimes I get so bent out of shape that I always have to clean the house, run Liam around, pay the bills and whatnot ... but that's just life isn't it? Kids make messes, bills need to be paid, I have a healthy active kid. I look at people that have much worse situations than mine and I think I'm a damn fool for feeling so sorry for myself sometimes.

I believe we all have a destiny. That life is full of choices and WE have to make them. We are put in situations because we are meant to be there and learn from them. That's how I try to cope with life. I find the more I get my own life in order the better I am at taking care of the rest of the things in life I need to keep in order. So for now, in this moment, life is good ... and I'm embracing it!!!