Analyzation

This morning I woke up and dropped Liam off at day care before 9. I don't have to be at work until noon on Tuesdays so I took advantage of my time and went to work out for 45 minutes ... even though Chad killed me yesterday in our session. But hey, that's his job. Now I'm sitting at Starbucks with my computer and a yummy cup of coffee, looking outside at the flurries (ick) and listening to music. And I feel absolutely fantastic.

I wrote a blog a couple weeks ago talking about how horrible and stressful life has been. I completely embrace my feelings. If I'm feeling down then I have to allow myself to work through it because obviously there is a reason I feel that way. So I allowed myself to be depressed, eat whatever I wanted, be bitchy and grumpy. And then things started to turn around. Liam is in a new day care, which allows me to have some MUCH NEEDED alone time. I know there are people out there who love spending 24 hours a day with their kids. Kudos to them but I'm not one of them. I adore my son. I think he is the greatest human being ever put on this earth, but I was a person before he was born and I need to embrace that too. I was a daughter, friend, wife, hairstylist and independent woman before I had Liam and I can't ignore that. I never desired that much alone time before he was born ... because I had it!!

Where as I thoroughly enjoy all the time I spend with Liam, yes even when he is being a butt head, I need the time to detox my mind. Even if it's only an hour a day where I'm not with him and not at work that's perfect. But another great benefit to this, is that I'm given the opportunity to go work out. Now I will throw myself under the bus and say that I use to make fun of people who worked out, told them they were morons for having personal trainers and that I embraced my size. Well here it is. I love going to the gym, I didn't realize how much I was doing wrong before Chad taught me the right way, and even though I am totally fine with being curvy and being a bigger girl, I love the fact that I can start to see results from my hard work.

I'm getting to be in a great mental place again and it is just in time before I had a true breakdown. Do you ever have an identity crisis? One of those "be careful what you wish for you just might get it" deals? Well it hit me. Everything. I am everything for everybody. And I put enormous pressure on myself. No one else does it to me. I have gone through so many waves in my life. I don't know that I will ever find balance, but today, right now, I feel better than I have in years. I use to be a wallflower. Let people walk on me and go back for more. Then I became a stone cold bitch. Again ... no balance. Now I feel myself finding a happy medium. I still love to do things for people, but I'm learning when and where to say no and back off. Sometimes I really stretch myself thin. And if I do it too much then I'm going to let the bigger aspects of my life fall apart. I start to snap at Liam and Josh, I start to resent people and situations. And I just flat out don't want to be that way.

I will always be the kind of person who will lay their feelings out there. I like the fact that everyone knows where they stand with me. I don't like to beat around the bush. But I'm learning that I need to change my tone sometimes. That I need to plan out what I say before I say it so I can deliver myself in a more approachable way. This is the lesson I'm still learning and probably will always have to work on.

Yes I'm rambling but hey, it's my blog, I guess if you get tired of reading you will stop ...

I have no idea what the future holds for me and for the first time I'm kind of okay with that. I always have a short term goal, one year goal and five year goal which I always will. However I'm learning to take each day and see what it brings me before I plan the next. Emotionally anyway. What I do know is that I have the life that I asked for. And even though some days it stresses me out I wouldn't change it. This year Josh and I will be together 10 year, Liam will turn three, I will be at Medusa's for 6 years and I have the greatest friends I have ever known. If I start paying more attentions to the big factors of my life maybe the little things wouldn't bug me so much.

Sometimes I get so bent out of shape that I always have to clean the house, run Liam around, pay the bills and whatnot ... but that's just life isn't it? Kids make messes, bills need to be paid, I have a healthy active kid. I look at people that have much worse situations than mine and I think I'm a damn fool for feeling so sorry for myself sometimes.

I believe we all have a destiny. That life is full of choices and WE have to make them. We are put in situations because we are meant to be there and learn from them. That's how I try to cope with life. I find the more I get my own life in order the better I am at taking care of the rest of the things in life I need to keep in order. So for now, in this moment, life is good ... and I'm embracing it!!!

It's been a while

Hello dear friends. I haven't really blogged in a while. I guess it's time for an update. Things are really changing around the Andreas household!! As you may know over a month ago I started at Union Hospitals Fitness Center and I'm LOVING it!!! I'm starting to see some little results but ultimately I just feel better! I hav NEVER felt this rejuvinated!! I'm so determined to get this weight off and keep it off. Not just because I want to look better, but because I want to live my life better. I'm very glad I made the decision to get a personal trainer. I realized I don't push myself nearly hard enough. Even when I go to the gym by myself I don't, but I at least I know what to do and how to do it. But Chad is wonderful. He pushes me hard but doesn't take me to the point where I feel like I'm going to throw up and and die.

Our long time babysitter, Tracy, isn't watching Liam anymore. It was hard to hear and switch but that's just how the timing worked. She wanted to be a stay at home mom who watched kids but because of the economy she had to go back into the work force. So we got Liam into Treehouse Day Care. And we LOVE it!! We never put him into a big facility because of our work schedules ... not that they are any better now, but we have great friends who are willing to help us out. My schedule is changing at work to where I only have to work one evening a week which financially is scary but it has to be done. I'm hoping my clients will understand that the only reason I'm eliminating my other evening is so I can be with Liam more in the evenings. It will be odd to have Mondays to myself again, but I admit I will love having the time to get some cleaning and errands done. Plus some alone time never hurt anybody.

Work is good but a big rollercoaster!! My best friend Jimmy left, right around the time Amy is set to come back from medical leave. Laken took a promotion at her other job so now we need a new receptionist. It's funny, it's been over a year since we moved to this smaller salon and I'm still not use to this "small Medusa's" I started working at Medusa's when I was 16. It was my first job and I loved it. It's what shoved me into doing hair. I always loved it, but seeing it every day made me have passion for it. And I'm eternally grateful. But the dynamic is totally different. To go from 8 stylists and three receptionist in a spa salon down to 2 stylists that just do hair in a 900 sq ft building is a hard switch. But we digress. Neil and I are very driven motivated stylists. Amy is coming back but who knows for how long. She is in school at IVYTech and when she graduates she will be making a career change. Things are just now getting interesting.

Josh is doing great at work and I'm very proud of him. He is such a hard worker. Now that his hours have changed we are trying to adjust to his new schedule. And we will, just like we did before. In April he will be at Duke for four years. It's a great company to work for even with his schedule. It provides well for our family.

2011 has not been good to us but we refuse to be knocked down. With every down that comes our way there is an up. I will not be derailed. I'm determined to be positive and find a learning experience in each of our endeavors. But I do feel we are on an up swing. I'm in a great mental place right now after I allowed myself a few weeks ago to break down. Now I feel renewed!

Defeated

I'm going to write out my frustrations and then I'm going to leave it alone and change my mind set. I will be the positive person that I strive to be, but before that I have to get this out ...

Do you have those days when you feel completely and utterly defeated? Like no matter how hard you try you just can't win? I don't have these days often. I believe we control how we deal with situations. We can make it a lesson learned or we can let it kick us down. But for now, right this minute, I feel completely defeated. It's the first week of February and I feel like this is the worst year I have had since I can remember.

I just can't make people happy. Now not all the time, of course I'm not milkin the sympathy here. It just seems like lately I'm always being corrected, or put in my place. Not that I can't take constructive criticism. But how many times can you get knocked down before you need 12 people to help you back up? Every week something happens. Or several things happen. And I keep taking it and taking it and taking it. But damn. I'm done.

I love being the strong one. I like being the one who cleans up messes, makes sure things get taken care of, being in charge. But when do I get my breakdown? When does the strong person get their day to throw in the towel and collapse? When do you get to say the things you want to say but can't?

Like I said, I know after a good nights sleep I will laugh at how dramatic I'm being. I'm doing hair for some clients of Samantha tomorrow and I know that will perk me up. Doing hair always does. I will go back to the strong woman that I know that I am. I'm working so hard on not taking things so personally and trying not to blow things up but I'm just having a very down day.

Holy cow

Wow what a week. What a month ... what a year!! 2011 seems like it's attempting to be the most eventful year ever!! I have so many random thoughts going through my head that I don't even know where to start. This might just be a cluster of random thoughts so if I babble on feel free to graze down.

All of the events that have happened in the past couple months have had a pretty profound affect on me. Not like "I'm a victim" approach, more so how I approach certain circumstances and people. Eye opening things that have led me to changing the way I view the way my life is panning out. Let's throw out a topic.

Liam: I adore this child. What an amazing human being. I look back at pictures of him when he was a newborn and then look at the boy he is today and it baffles me. I remember the insecurity I felt. I thought I could never yell at him. I thought he would always been this sweet innocent little thing. HOW WRONG! lol Seriously he really is a great kid. But we have definitely hit a stage with him that he is roughing his way through, and we are being drug right along with him. It's that whole free will thing. Doesn't really work so well for me. I love to encourage Liam to be his own person and stand up for himself, I just didn't think it would start at 2 1/2 years old. I guess he comes by it naturally. I'm about as controlling and stubborn as he is. But I find myself sometimes constantly correcting, disciplining and scolding him. I try to be encouraging and finding other ways to keep him in check but he just doesn't respond to it. Here's the kick in the head about it all ... he only does this with me. I'm serious. Anyone who babysits him says he's perfect. No problem. No whining. Naps well. Eats well. Even when it's just Josh and Monk at home, he's great. When I'm home with him, he's whiney, grumpy and clingy. The clingy I don't so much mind but the whininess and being so standoffish, I have issues with that. But maybe it's because I AM the mom. I have no idea. All I know is I will be glad when this phase goes away.

Work: Boy do I love what I do. I mean I really really do. I listen to my clients, friends, family. Few of them truly enjoy what they do. How sad is that? I would hate to be stuck in a job because of the money or benefits. Now I know that not every job is perfect. I'm not saying mine is. Trust me I have my days I could throw in the towel. But I'd say over 85% of the time I truly enjoy my work. I love that I work with a color line that I'm very comfortable and confident with. I love our products. And I'm very happy that I enjoy the vast majority of my clients. I have gotten to a point in my career that I have a good chunk of confidence in my abilities but I'm still humble about it. I know I'm not the best. I have no desire to go big time or be in the public eye. I don't want to be on stage or go to these huge shows. I'm very comfortable with what I've built. I love doing clients hair and making them feel their best. I don't need all the other razzle dazzle. I keep up with the trends and new techniques. I'm constantly doing research. CONSTANTLY. Moreso than more of these "trendy flashy" hairstylists do. Because I want to keep myself fresh. I'm just very content with my career and that makes a lot of other aspects of my life fall into place.

Friends: What a roller coaster. I've lost a lot of friends and gained some. I use to beat myself up over losing a friend. "What did I do" "Should I change myself?" "Do they hate me?" And then it occured to me that it's just the natural progression of life. They come they go. The friends I've had that I don't really have anymore are not my enemies. I have learned from every relationship I've had. I think changing my approach of how I view the friends that aren't my BEST friends anymore helps me let go and I have less aggression in general. It's a good feeling. But we have made some amazing new friends. I'm just so grateful for these wonderful people who touch our lives.

Life in general: Josh and I have always tried to have a five year plan, which we still do. But we are finding we also have to have a 1 year and even a six month plan. Especially when you have an active toddler who is constantly changing your routine. We've learned to go with the flow with a lot of what life throws us. I try not to focus on the past and the bad things that have happened. I know because of what I write on here that you all think I'm an open book. Really I'm not. I only put out as much information as I'm willing to come back at me. I have a lot more that goes on and that's my business. I've had things happen in my life that have made me the person I am today and good or bad I wouldn't change any of it. None. Overall I'm very happy with my life and even at 28 married with a toddler I'm constantly growing. And I love it.

What it's all about

Holy cow has this been a crazy ride. This weather was insane!!! Liam and I left our house about 6 last night and came to the Allen's. It's now 3:45 and we still don't have power. I finally went back and got my car. The main roads are pretty good but the side roads are crappy. And my amazing husband is working 16 hour days for who knows how many days. He is so dedicated. All the Duke employees are.

But I want to take this time to thank our great friends Adam and Amy. Adam came out in the middle of this weather, brought Liam and I over to their house, fed us, gave us a place to stay. They are the best friends ever. We have been close with them for a while but more and more they show us how amazing they are. They didn't hesitate to take us in at all. I'm so thankful for them :)

OMG

Oh this crazy weather!! Hot topic right now!! Two things about it. A: I'm terrified to lose power. I know everyone is. It's not like I'm alone in this. The only thing that really scares me is Liam. I can bundle myself up and be ok, I'm scared that he is going to get too cold or sick. I've a reserve outfit ready just in case. Some socks, shirt shorts then footy pj's over it and his stocking hat. I can bundle him good. I have the option to go to mom's or the Allen's if I need to. I'm glad I have such amazing people in my life. B: I'm afraid for Joshy. THANKFULLY his supervisor called him this morning and told him he could work out of the Terre Haute office today. I'm THRILLED that he didn't have to make the drive to Plainfield ... yet. You never know though. These Duke employees don't get enough credit. People usually get the day off when bad weather hits. Not them. When the weather goes crazy, so do their schedules. They said to be prepared to work until Thursday or Friday! Yay for overtime ... but boo for not being home with us. I mean I'm a strong woman, but to throw a kid into the mix is scary. And I'm betting we will be home tomorrow too. All I can do is hope for the best. Hope that we keep our power on and that my husband and all his co-workers are safe.

On another note, I'm so sore I can barely move!!!! Chad is killin me!! I though the exercises we were doing seemed very simple, until you do them in repetition. Then I realized just how out of shape I am. And I'm still motivated and all that but I'm serious I can barely get around today!! I know I should get on the treadmill and work it out but seriously? I haven't been this sore since dance team in high school!!! Eye on the prize though.