Random thoughts bouncing through my head

I would like to apologize in advance if this happens to be long winded. I have my nights where I just have to get things out of my system. Do you ever just get a pile up of random thoughts? I guess I'm too self expressive for my own good.

Sickness: I've pretty much had enough of it this month. December has been the month of nonstop sickness in the Andreas household. I had an infection in my eye, then a sinus infection, Liam has had a cold and non stop diarrhea, now Josh is sick. Enough already!!!

Liam: I will get my gripe out first. Yes I know every kid in the entire world goes through it but the terrible twos can pretty much suck it. I mean when he is good he is fantastic but when he gets whiny and throws his fits I could pretty much crawl out of my skin. Especially when he does it in public. I feel like we get those looks like "Please control your bratty kid" Try as I might to give him structure and reasonable discipline he still gets out of control. Having said that, he is such a smart kid. He can dialog for crying out loud. He can be amazingly caring and loving. And funny ... oh my god this kid says some funny stuff. Despite his tantrums he really is an amazing kid.

Music: Indeed a random throw out, but I'm so moved by it. Especially lately. Sometimes I can be in this weird mood and I turn on my music and hit shuffle and a song will come up that is so appropriate to what I'm feeling. It's amazing how a beat and lyrics can change your mood. I know I go on and on about Michael Buble, but there is something about 'standards' that I've always loved and his voice is like silk. And when I hear an upbeat song that makes me want to dance it brings a huge smile to my face.

Food: You want to talk about the ultimate love/hate relationship. I'm trying to come to grips with my battle with food. I falter more than succeed but it's a battle I'm willing to fit. I'm getting better about my portions which is the battle I've always lost. When something tastes good you want to eat and eat and eat. I think I've found that eating slower helps; it gives your brain time to tell your stomach that it's full. It's a work in progress but I'm willing to work hard to lose this damn weight.

Self reflection: I either do this too much or not enough. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on who I am. But I struggle with turning aspects of myself off. I probably give too much to my clients. It's hard when you have a job that involves touching to not get invested. They share with me, I share with them. But it's bitten me in the ass several times. When clients leave it's a mix of emotions. Part of me says "I'm not their taste, I'm too expensive, it's a scheduling issue" and I move on and am fine with it. But another part of me says "Did I offend them? What if I'm not good enough? Did I make them uncomfortable? What could I have done to make them more happy?" And I bring that home and pretty much beat myself up over it. I think to a lot of clients they go home and don't think another thought about it and when they go to a different stylist it's just an easy switch to them. And maybe it is, but I guess I need more closure than most people do. I need to learn to turn that part of my brain off, but I think it's a hard balance. I know it should be business and not personal but when you're a hairstylist it is personal too.

Friends: There is a balance I can't win at. You make some happy, you piss some off. When I was in high school I wanted a ton of friends and never got them. I don't know why. Then when Josh and I started dating we were all about each other and didn't have time for a lot of friends. Now that life has calmed down I have a lot of friends but because of Liam and work and family and other friends it's like I can't make everybody happy. It's flattering that so many people want to spend time with you but then you add up all the things you do in a week and it makes you wonder when you schedule time to breath. But I am lucky to have so many amazing friends who are loving and supportive.

I think I've hit that point in my life where I can no longer make apologies for the person that I am. All things considered I'm pretty happy with who I am. I think I'm a good person, a hard worker, a good friend. I just need to work on balance. I think that will be my word for 2011. Balance.

Medusa's Christmas Dinner

Tonight was Medusa's Chistmas dinner at my house. It was a very nice evening :) When I got home from work I got the house all cleaned up while Joshy went to the grocery store. Everyone came over about 7 and we ate a fabulous dinner! Laken brought home made mac and cheese, Jimmy brought green bean casserole, Dee brought broccoli slaw, Neil brought mashed potatoes, Amy brought peach cobbler and Joshy made some amazing parmesean crusted chicked breasts. Soooo yummy :) Overall it was a wonderful evening!!

In other news, Liam has been sickly this week. Wednesday he was fine until the evening and he started getting diarrhea and has had it on and off ever since. He hasn't had a fever and he is eating and drinking, he has just had diarrhea for four days. It's so odd. I'm hoping it clears up soon, I'm sure he is irritated with it and it doesn't help with his exema at all. Poor dude.

Things are going very well though. I can't believe that Christmas is only a week away. I know everyone says this but time really is flying by. I feel like it was just summer. With the weather the way it's been I wouldn't mind if it was summer again. I just hate winter. It's not even the snow that bothers me. It's the wind and the ice. But that's the midwest for ya. Hell even Florida is cold right now!!!

I know every parent gets a kick out of their kids but I, obviously, just adore my son. Bathtimes are always fun because he is an expressive little guy and being around water brings out the goofy side in him. I heart bath time :)

I FOUND IT!!!

I FOUND IT I FOUND IT!!! A while ago I had written that for some reason I couldn't find my motivation. Well I have officially found it and I think I might have figured out a way to keep it. A couple days ago I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was kinda sickly and feeling down. Which is normal this time of year. Everything in life is going really well so I couldn't figure out why I was so down. And then it hit me. NOTHING should be bothering me that much. So why am I letting it?

I am a youtube junkie. I'm always on there looking up hair videos and dance videos. But along the way I stumble on other videos that pop up. I recently found some while looking up a hair video about the power of positive thinking. I have heard this several times from my mom and boss and other people. But looking at some of these stories of people really hit me. No matter how hard my life gets, when it comes right down to it I'm pretty damn lucky.

The other thing I have realized is I have to take responsibility and accountability for the things that are wrong in my life. What are the corp things people complain about? Money, time, kids, weight? All that is pretty manageable. Money: it will always be an issue no matter what, but if you're responsible and make sure that all your stuff is taken care of first, then whatever is leftover is yours. I'm lucky enough that my wonderful clients chose to tip me for the service I provide them so that gives me a little extra cushion. Time: there will never be enough of it, you just have to make the time you have mean something. Kids: yes they are stressful and expensive and tiresome, but they are also lovable, affectionate and give your life some extra meaning. Weight: that's my big one. I have accepted that I will always struggle with my weight. Not that I'm ok with being my size, but I need to accept that I'm just built for cushion. I look back at pictures when I was in high school (which is a hard comparison since it was almost 10 years ago and I had no bills or stress or a kid) but nonetheless. I looked the best I ever did and even at that I weighed 165 pounds. On a lot of women that would be massive, but for me that was skinny. I would just love to be at 180. And I will.

I have decided that changing the way I mentally approach my diet determines how my attitude reflects it. I always resent my diet and fight it. I think what I need to do is be realistic. I KNOW that I will never be able to force myself to eat the foods I don't like, and honestly I don't like vegetables. I know they are the best thing for you and all that, but I can't make myself eat something I just don't like. I'm working on expanding that, but until then I have to work on what I do like. As much as I fight it and fight it, I have to cut back on carbs. I love bread and pasta. LOOOOOOOOVE them, but they are my enemy. I will not cut them out but I can reduce. Then there is pop, and fried foods, and salt. I'm not a sweets person so that's no problem. I'm going to work on portions and reduce/eliminate the bad things. I have to do this. For my physical and mental health and to be a good role model to my son. My goal is to be 30 pounds lighter by summer. And I shall.

Holy crap!

I really hate it when I have a blah night. That usually means what I've blogged about before. I get over analytical. Not that I'm going to go on a rampage or anything. It just means I have extra time to dump my random thoughts around on the internet.

Work is so very busy which I'm so very grateful for. I love being busy at work. Sometimes I can't believe how much I love what I do. I mean I really do. And I get PAID to do it!! Woot!! But in the same respect it is very tiring. You give and give all day which is great but unfortunately that means sometimes when I get home from work I'm pretty worthless. I know tons of people work very hard jobs and come home and are as productive there as they are at work. And a lot of times I am to, but I will admit a lot of times I'm down right lazy. I know there are clean dishes in the dish washer ready to be put away and I know there are dirty ones ready to be cleaned. I know that there are five loads of laundry ready, a tub that needs scrubbed, toys that need picked up, counters need dusted. But then my mind says, "But I can do that tomorrow, relax" Then tomorrow becomes three days and three days become five. I wish I knew where some people draw their inspiration from.

I think I got "spoiled" but always living in apartments that were never bigger than 800 square foot. Now we are in a house that is well over 2000 and it's hard to keep up with!! Sometimes I can spend all day cleaning and when I sit down I realize I didn't even clean my bedroom, or Liams closet didn't get organized. I know housework is always a work in progress and never really gets done, but I'm not gonna lie; if I could afford to hire a house cleaner to come in once a week and do all the nitty gritty cleaning that I have NO DESIRE to do, you bet your sweet ass I would be all over it!!

I want a clean nice tidy house. I want it very badly, but I also want to play with Liam, and spend time with my husband, and see my family and friends. I want to watch some fun shows on tv, take a long bath, sleep occasionally. Such a balance.

Time to hurt

It's funny how someones mind works. My mind has always played games with me. Always. When I was about 12 years old I had my first panic attack. I literally thought I was dying. It took me years ... YEARS to get them under control, after different medications and therapy I finally came to grips with it. Now I'm 28 and I either avoid the situations that cause my panic attacks or I learn to deal with them.

With panic attacks comes paranoia. A side effect that I hate greatly. I'm very analytical. Always have been. Sometimes that really works in my favor, but when it comes to emotions it doesn't. Luckily my husband is impervious to my emotional flair ups. But others are not. Because my panic attacks had me so jacked up for a while, I bottled everything up, which didn't help since I would sit there and fester of every emotion I had. Then I learned that it's ok to talk about things. Then I got myself into trouble because I'm kind of abrasive and people don't always know how to take me. I've had to learn how to approach people/situations. A lesson I'm still learning.

My point that I'm getting at is I'm trying to get to a point where I don't let things affect me so much. And what I'm realizing and others should too is that a situation only becomes drama if you allow it to be. People (me included) need to learn to be more passive.

Now everyone knows that I'm a facebook junky. I'm on there all the time and put up pictures and Liam stories and all that. But what becomes an obstacle for me is reading what others put on. I have gone through several times and deleted people for various reasons the main one becomes the fact that most people are just down right negative. It drains you. Absolutely drains you. Now I'm not trying to be the pot that calls the kettle black. I have my bad days and I have vented them before. But via facebook I have realized that a lot of people are toxic. Or they make horrible life choices and vent them online which is funny to me.

There are some people you just can't eliminate from your life. They are friends no matter what but you wish that situations were different. Things change people change. I have changed. But one more way I want to change is to not let my feelings get hurt whenever I read something that has a negative effect on me and to accept the fact that relationships change. That someone that once meant the world to you and you to them, you don't anymore. Best friends become acquaintances. Clients become people you simply pass on the street.

Now on a positive note, sometimes a client can become your best friend. Sometimes a friend of a friend can become a client. Sometimes you have an effect on someone that changes their life. Those are the moments that make it all tolerable. So from now on I will try and take charge of how others actions/changes/emotions will affect me.

Thankful

I know it's incredibly typical to sit and name all the things I'm thankful for this year but I'm going to do it anyway. In no particular order:

The first thing that springs to mind obviously is my family. My husband who is wonderfully supportive and caring to my needs and is a hard working individual and a fantastic father.

My amazing son Liam. Every day, whether he is grumpy, happy, somber, whatever, I adore him and learn from him more and more every single day. I look at him and see myself, my husband and happy future ahead. I just love him.

My mom and dad who are always there for me, even if that means a kick in the butt. My brother and his wife are my comic relief and my nephew Aiden who still blows my mind about how smart and big he is.

My Nana. She is smart, funny and positive. I'm so thrilled that she has not only left an impact on my life, but that she has been around to see Liam. She is one of the most special people in my life.

My friends. How I got so lucky so have so many wonderful people around me I will never know. My best friend Jimmy. I am so glad that I get to work with him. He is so laid back and caring. He is definitely one of the more positive people I've ever met. The Allens. I'm sure you've all seen pictures of Claire. Amy Adam and Claire have become such an important part of our lives. We are in the same stage of life and we all get along so well. We love our time with them!! Nikki and her family. I've been friends with this girl since 8th grade. We may not talk every day but we will always remain close. She is going to have her second baby in a couple days and I couldn't be happier for her!! And all our other friends who touch our lives, we are so grateful to have you all!!

My career. I forget sometimes until I listen to my clients talk how lucky I am to have a career that I thoroughly enjoy. I not only get to do hair every day, I get to talk to people, listen to them, learn from them. It's such an amazing learning experience every day. And to know that I, in some way, touch their lives, makes me feel so good. I'm very lucky that a lot of clients I have, have become good friends.

Our surroundings. We have an amazing house, nice things, great cars, Joshy has his motorcycle that he loves. Whenever I feel like life is unfair all I have to do is look around and realize that I have a lot of beautiful things around me.

With the holidays of course comes stress and time crunches, schedule problems and hustle and bustle. But ultimately it comes down to time with people you love. No matter the stress and headaches, I'm very happy with my life and I know it's because of the people I surround myself with.