Time to hurt

It's funny how someones mind works. My mind has always played games with me. Always. When I was about 12 years old I had my first panic attack. I literally thought I was dying. It took me years ... YEARS to get them under control, after different medications and therapy I finally came to grips with it. Now I'm 28 and I either avoid the situations that cause my panic attacks or I learn to deal with them.

With panic attacks comes paranoia. A side effect that I hate greatly. I'm very analytical. Always have been. Sometimes that really works in my favor, but when it comes to emotions it doesn't. Luckily my husband is impervious to my emotional flair ups. But others are not. Because my panic attacks had me so jacked up for a while, I bottled everything up, which didn't help since I would sit there and fester of every emotion I had. Then I learned that it's ok to talk about things. Then I got myself into trouble because I'm kind of abrasive and people don't always know how to take me. I've had to learn how to approach people/situations. A lesson I'm still learning.

My point that I'm getting at is I'm trying to get to a point where I don't let things affect me so much. And what I'm realizing and others should too is that a situation only becomes drama if you allow it to be. People (me included) need to learn to be more passive.

Now everyone knows that I'm a facebook junky. I'm on there all the time and put up pictures and Liam stories and all that. But what becomes an obstacle for me is reading what others put on. I have gone through several times and deleted people for various reasons the main one becomes the fact that most people are just down right negative. It drains you. Absolutely drains you. Now I'm not trying to be the pot that calls the kettle black. I have my bad days and I have vented them before. But via facebook I have realized that a lot of people are toxic. Or they make horrible life choices and vent them online which is funny to me.

There are some people you just can't eliminate from your life. They are friends no matter what but you wish that situations were different. Things change people change. I have changed. But one more way I want to change is to not let my feelings get hurt whenever I read something that has a negative effect on me and to accept the fact that relationships change. That someone that once meant the world to you and you to them, you don't anymore. Best friends become acquaintances. Clients become people you simply pass on the street.

Now on a positive note, sometimes a client can become your best friend. Sometimes a friend of a friend can become a client. Sometimes you have an effect on someone that changes their life. Those are the moments that make it all tolerable. So from now on I will try and take charge of how others actions/changes/emotions will affect me.

Thankful

I know it's incredibly typical to sit and name all the things I'm thankful for this year but I'm going to do it anyway. In no particular order:

The first thing that springs to mind obviously is my family. My husband who is wonderfully supportive and caring to my needs and is a hard working individual and a fantastic father.

My amazing son Liam. Every day, whether he is grumpy, happy, somber, whatever, I adore him and learn from him more and more every single day. I look at him and see myself, my husband and happy future ahead. I just love him.

My mom and dad who are always there for me, even if that means a kick in the butt. My brother and his wife are my comic relief and my nephew Aiden who still blows my mind about how smart and big he is.

My Nana. She is smart, funny and positive. I'm so thrilled that she has not only left an impact on my life, but that she has been around to see Liam. She is one of the most special people in my life.

My friends. How I got so lucky so have so many wonderful people around me I will never know. My best friend Jimmy. I am so glad that I get to work with him. He is so laid back and caring. He is definitely one of the more positive people I've ever met. The Allens. I'm sure you've all seen pictures of Claire. Amy Adam and Claire have become such an important part of our lives. We are in the same stage of life and we all get along so well. We love our time with them!! Nikki and her family. I've been friends with this girl since 8th grade. We may not talk every day but we will always remain close. She is going to have her second baby in a couple days and I couldn't be happier for her!! And all our other friends who touch our lives, we are so grateful to have you all!!

My career. I forget sometimes until I listen to my clients talk how lucky I am to have a career that I thoroughly enjoy. I not only get to do hair every day, I get to talk to people, listen to them, learn from them. It's such an amazing learning experience every day. And to know that I, in some way, touch their lives, makes me feel so good. I'm very lucky that a lot of clients I have, have become good friends.

Our surroundings. We have an amazing house, nice things, great cars, Joshy has his motorcycle that he loves. Whenever I feel like life is unfair all I have to do is look around and realize that I have a lot of beautiful things around me.

With the holidays of course comes stress and time crunches, schedule problems and hustle and bustle. But ultimately it comes down to time with people you love. No matter the stress and headaches, I'm very happy with my life and I know it's because of the people I surround myself with.

I need help

Where did it go? My motivation that is. I am so completely dissatisfied with the way i look. I've never really had a bad self image. I always have been a bigger person. I've always known that I will always be a bigger person. I just never thought I would let myself go this bad. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you have to take a good hard look at yourself and realize ... I have no freaking willpower. Yet no matter how much I look at myself and realize ... I'm a tubbo, I can't seem to stop myself. My problem is I love food. I'm Italian. I love everything starch.

I would love to be a trim size 12. That's not an unrealistic goal. I'm now a full 14. It's mainly my stomach and double chin that bother me. I always gain it in my face first. My stomach is really whats out of control. Before when I gained weight I would gain my weight evenly. Since I've had Liam it all goes to my stomach. I hate it. Hate hate hate it. I can't even stand to look at myself.

I had no idea how much gaining weight would affect my whole self image. My least favorite part of the day is getting dressed. Putting on a dress that once looked really good on me and now looks horrible. Wearing jeans and feeling confident and now I want to wear baggy shirts to cover myself up. I don't know what I need to do to kick my butt into gear.

You would think that just looking at myself would do it. That getting angry every morning while getting dressed would trigger it. Yet it doesn't. So I need your advice friends. What's a girl to do to stay motivated? I'm so not into the "trends" I'm not going to do Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, all that crap. I'm already on myfitnesspal.com that helps track your calories. That doesn't help me when it's time to sit down for a meal. That doesn't help me when I don't have time to exercise. I need inspiration.

Talk the talk, walk the walk ... but do you think the thought?

Here is the bad thing about having days off ... it allows me way too much time to think about things. Which in some ways is a good thing, in other ways a bad thing. I have felt like crap the past couple days due to some medical issues and that has left me with a lot of down time to think about life.

Josh's best friend Jon called us last night and told us some wonderful news. Him and his wife Amy are expecting their first child in June. It's fabulous news. Wonderful news! It was so wonderful in the midst of feeling crappy to hear some truly joyful news. It kind of put things in perspective. After we got off the phone with him and the boys went to bed I though a lot about where my life was at when I was in the same position as Jon and Amy.

I will never ever forget the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant. Josh and I had talked very very briefly about trying to have a baby, which we came to the decision that we wouldn't necessarily try, so much as we wouldn't be so careful. And that's all it took ... two tries and there we were. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Josh was at home and I was at my moms house. We had a small disagreement (my mom and I that is) she asked me what my problem was. Why I was so moody. I chalked it up to having PMS. So I left to head home. For some reason that I can't explain I stopped at Kroger and bought a pregnancy test. I would do this from time to time whenever I was a day or two late to assure myself that I wasn't pregnant and then inevitably I would start the next day. So I assumed this time would be no different. When I got home I hid the pregnancy test in my coat so Josh wouldn't see it. It ticked him off that I would do this time to time since pregnancy tests are pretty expensive.

So I went to the bathroom and took the test and sat there until I was sure I would look over and it would say "Not Pregnant" as it always had. 8 minutes went by and I looked over at the test that read "___ Pregnant" Stupid me thought "Oh .... well it hasn't sat long enough yet ... the "Not" didn't pop up. So I took the other test that was in the box. 45 seconds after I took the test ... there it was. PREGNANT. I have never felt that many nerve endings go off in my body at one time. I immediately started to cry, followed by panic, followed by nausea, followed by the only thing I knew close to euphoria. Then it hit me, Josh thinks I'm just in the bathroom. He has no idea what I'm doing. If you know me at all you know that when I cry it's written all over my face. I get red and splotchy and puffy. So there was no holding back. I walk into the front room where Josh looks up at me like I've lost my mind. When he asks me what's wrong I start sobbing and in the middle of my meltdown I manage to say "I'm pregnant" He sat there stunned for what seemed like an eternity and then got up to hug me. I still think it took him about a month for it to really sink in.

Then of course I called my mom. She answered saying "What ... you just left here. Did you forget something?" I told her I figured out what was causing my moodiness. She asked if I got my period .... not for 9 more months! All she could do was yell "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" LOL After that I called pretty much everyone in my phone to tell them the news.

I think back about that night and remember the feeling I had. That feeling of "Yes my life is definitely about to change" I had no idea how much. All I knew is how much, just in the time it took for the pregnancy test to change, I could fall in love so quickly. I think I need to remember that feeling whenever I get in a mood about Liam being moody. Kids are always going to go through phases. They are always going to push your buttons, be better for other people, wake you up in the middle of the night and be expensive. But they also allow you to feel the greatest love you've ever known. They have no idea that one, just one genuine smile, can drastically change your day for the better. That no matter how broke you are, frustrated, on edge and crazy you feel, remember that feeling you got when you found out they were coming. Remember that feeling you got when the Dr handed them to you for the first time. Remember the sense of joy you felt when they smiled, truly smiled for the first time.