The year of the Test

June 1st ... this year is flying by. This year has been one challenge after another. Right when I think, ok ... a lot has happened now it's going to level off ... something else gets thrown around. I have had constant struggles this year. Every month, something new. And I have tried desperately hard to keep my cool. Yes I have had my break downs, but I have picked myself back up and kept going. I have maintained my composure more than I ever have in my entire life. I've bottled stuff up, turned the other cheek, kept my cool and tried to keep the waters calm. And look how well that's worked out for me. I love it when people tell me how blunt I am and I "speak what's on my mind" if they only knew how much I held back.

This is not a bitch session. This is me laying it all out on the table. This is me finally standing up and saying the things that I need to say. So if you don't want to hear it, stop reading. I have decided that my mouth will be shut no more.

Most of the issues I'm having are caused by myself. Self inflicted. I can honestly admit that. I have been lazy about getting a hold of some of my friends. I can throw out a million excuses why ... work is busy (which is true) I have a busy toddler (which is true) I have projects I do outside of work (also true) I have a husband who works a horrible swing shift so I pull a lot of weight at home (true) I have a ton of friends and family who I try to keep up with (........true.........) but, like I said excuses. Yes ... I need to make more of an effort. Admittedly so. And having it brought to my attention that I haven't been is good. Sometimes you need a slap in the face to make you realize that you've been a dolt. Moving on.

The other thing that is my fault is I'm way to accessible. Facebook, twitter, phone whatever, I'm constantly in contact ... which most of the time is good, but can get to be a real pain the ass. Where work is concerned, I'm officially cutting off communication via phone and online. Part of my commission that gets taken out of my pay, is to pay the receptionist at work. I know people prefer to talk to me and I'm flattered, but the girls who work at Medusa's are paid to take calls and help clients too. From this moment on, that's just what will happen. Someone will text me in the middle of a work day asking about an appointment, I get busy and forget to text back and they get upset. Deservedly so, but case in point, that's what the receptionist is for. As to clear up confusion and save myself time and trouble, no more. Call the salon. Thank you.

Time. There is never enough of it. Never. And I know everyone has this problem. My schedule has changed at work and I'm still adjusting to it. I fill up my days off doing everything but what I should be doing. Some things I love. Having lunch with friends or family, running errands etc. But I end up doing "favors" for everyone and I'm left with absolutely no time to get anything else done. I never have time to myself. Spread ... to ... thin. Again, I have done this to myself, but every time I turn someone down I get "But I never get to see you" "But it's your day off" Sigh.

I am so incredibly blessed to have a lot of good friends who care about me and want to spend time with me. That I could never complain about. But omg there aren't enough hours for me to see everyone. Between my job, my kid, sleeping, eating, running errands and cleaning my house I try to find time to see all the people I care about. Family and several sets of friends. There is no balance. Someone is always left out, someone is always being second fiddle. Someone is always upset. What to do? If I spent two hours a week with every friend I have, I would never get anything else done.

I know some of my friends are reading this right now thinking "But you spend more time with _____ than you do me" Yes, I understand that. Like I explained in my first paragraph, I realize that I've been a lousy friend to some of my friends and overly giving to others. I go where life leads me. I cannot make everyone happy.

I'm having quite the year of testing. I started off my year with a surprise pregnancy, that ended in a surprise miscarriage. Liam getting the stomach flu, me getting the stomach flu, surviving the ice storm, my husband acquiring a horrible swing shift, major changes at work, coming to terms with my weight and actually doing something about it, making new friends, losing old friends, taking on a lot of extra projects, a toddler who has my free will, and more. Again ... excuses? Yes. But nonetheless my life is CRAZY! But you know what, I love my crazy life.

I'm more successful in my business now that I ever have been. I'm a great hair stylist. I don't usually say that out loud that often because I don't like to brag or boast. But dammit I'm allowed to say it sometimes. I work my ass off. I bend over backwards for my clients. My clients NEVER know when my life sucks. They never know when I'm cramping and bloated, tired and irritable. You know why? Because I value and cherish my job. So much so that sometimes I go home at the end of the day and I'm drained. But I love it. I love my husband and my son. They are the two most important men in my life and when I can spend time with them I do. I get the opportunity sometimes to do hair and makeup for The Roxy Studio and on occasion the Terre Haute Living Magazine. I help friends out on the side. I absolutely love spending time with my friends. I adore my family and thoroughly enjoy my time with them.

So what to do what to do. Bitch moan bitch moan bitch moan. I just can't do that anymore. I just can't. I can't please everyone. I want to be everything that everyone wants me to be. But you know what I am. ME. That's all I can be. I can't really make any apologies. I believe life takes you on paths and you follow the one that best fits you. I don't devalue any of my friendships or past endeavors. All I can do is embrace what journey my life is taking me on now.

I have had a lot of things brought to my attention, which is good, since I have been blind sided. I will work on mending my friendships with people. I will work on saying no more even if it makes people mad. I will work on keeping the lines of communication open. But in everything I do, I will remain true to myself, which I have strayed from. I am what I am. No apologies.

Uplifting

I've gotten pretty bad about remembering to write on my blog. Life has seriously been sooooo busy!! Life is zipping by these days! It's hard to realize which end is up. But I'm loving the crazy way life is taking me right now.

Liam: testing testing testing. That boy knows exactly what he is doing. Terrible two's are upon us, but Josh and I are tackling it in a different way these days. We are finding that if we calmly talk to him and just let him do his thing and have his fit that it's defused much quicker. He is still an amazing kid and to hear him talk and interact and make things up is absolutely amazing.

Josh: storm season is here which means it's the "where's waldo" season. As if Joshy doesn't work enough of a crazy mixed up schedule, he is on call 24 hours a day and they've exercised that right often. But I don't complain. He loves his job and he does it very well. He's enjoying riding his motorcycle more and I'm glad he will be able to given that gas is over $4. Driving too and from Plainfield will be easier if he can take the bike every once in a while.

Work. BUSY ... BUSY .. B U S Y!! Since Amy left things sky rocketed. I was busy before with just my clients, but taking on Amy and sometimes Neils overflow can just get down right nuts!! But I remember right after I graduated beauty school and I was excited to just have one client a day. Now I'm fitting clients inside other appointments, staying late, coming in early. Just nuts. But I do love it. I'm so lucky that I love my job and the more I work the more confident I get, the better work I do, the happier my clients are! Win win!!

Friends: Wow, are we amazingly blessed with the friends we have. The Allen's are happily expecting their second (and last) baby. We are thrilled. It's going to be a huge change since our families live so synonymously. But they want this badly and we are so glad that we will be there with them on this journey. :) I am so excited that I have a growing friendship with Samantha (from the Roxy Studio) I love to surround myself with people who are talented, motivated and positive. This woman is the definition of all these things. We are hanging out more and more and when we get together I feel like she has pushed and motivated me. She has taken pictures of me and my family and I wouldn't trust anyone else to do so. I almost wish Josh and I could have another wedding just so she could do the pictures :) Jimmy and I still hang out a talk a lot even though we don't work together anymore. He is so awesome. He is one of those friends you know you can call in the middle of the night and he will be there for you. He and I are planning a trip next fall to Florida to celebrate turning 30, which we both will turn within two months of each other ... NEXT year. lol. Nikki is awesome. Her kids are beautiful. I can't believe that Gabe is almost 5 months old! How time flies. It's suppose to be our 10 year high school reunion this summer. I couldn't care less to go really. The fact that, if no one else, I still keep in contact with her is enough for me :)

As for everyone and everything else things are great. I'm still working out with my trainer. I had about 2-3 weeks there where I completely fell off the wagon, but I'm back on now and more motivated than ever!! The more I go work out the better I feel! I can honestly say I'm hooked on working out! I'm looking forward to this summer. I love meeting up with friends at the park, Like Ellie and Hadley, the Allens, whoever!! I have some amazing people in my life and I'm thrilled to take this journey with them!!